SPECIAL REPORT: Parenting Styles - What type of parent are you?

There are so many different opinions offered on how best to parent. Raising children can bring parents and caregivers great joy- even when learning ‘on the job’- but it can also raise many questions about how best to support your children as they grow and change. However, children will always flourish in a warm and loving environment, supported by clear guidance.

In this Special Report, parents and caregivers can gain a greater understanding of the four defined parenting styles. It can guide parents towards deciding which style they wish to adopt and the effects it may have on their children. You can also take a quiz to give you information on your own parenting style too.

Here is the link to the latest SchoolTV:

We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered in this Special Report, and as always, we welcome your feedback. If you do have any concerns about the wellbeing of your child, please contact the school for further information or seek medical or professional help.

Exam Jitters
We also know that Junior Exams are fast approaching and it may be worth looking back at the past SchoolTV issue on ‘Exam Jitters’. In this edition, a range of psychologists and educators answer some common questions parents have about how best to support your child before, during and after an assessment period.

The issue can be found here:

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



Order your School photographs online or by ordering envelopes

School photographs will be taken over two days: Secondary School individual and Year Group photographs will take place on Thursday 6 June and Primary School Individual and Year Group photographs and all sibling photographs will take place on Friday 7 June. Semester 1 Co-curricular photographs will take place over both days.

Orders for photograph packages can be placed securely online at using our school’s unique 9 digit Online Order Code, or by returning the Advanced Life ordering envelope. The Online Order Code is located on the ordering envelope or on the Details page of the SCEGGS Parent Portal.

All girls in Years K-12 will receive an ordering envelope next week (Week 4). These envelopes can be used if you wish to pay by cheque or cash. If you are using this method, please return your envelope to the School by Friday 31 May.

Online portrait and group package orders are due by June 5.

Sibling Photographs will also be taken on Friday 7 June. These photographs may also be booked online or via a Sibling Order Envelope which can be collected from Student Services in the Secondary School or from the Primary Office.



I recently read an interesting article published by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley titled “How to live a more courageous life”. The article outlined a number of areas which were key to this, and creating community was paramount. Research shows that feeling connected to a community is one of the most important protective factors against mental illness and important in building resilience. It is also a key factor in improving academic performance too! This is one of the reasons why schools encourage students to participate in everything from camp to extra-curricular activities. House events, such as the Swimming Carnival or House Drama are also such fabulous opportunities for a sense of belonging to be formed and solidified. So, when I sat down to think about what I would contribute to "In this together", I kept coming back to the Prefects’ theme for 2019, "connection".

I remember sitting with the new group of Prefects last year and listening to what they wanted for the students of SCEGGS. They expressed a desire to see stronger relationships within and across year groups, to hear the buzz of chatter across the playground at lunch times rather than girls looking at their phones, and increased participation in House and Co-curricular activities; in other words they wanted everyone to feel like they were part of a community. It was so heartening to hear these young women express how much they wanted to encourage these connections, and how important SCEGGS was in their lives.

It got me considering the importance of having strong connections between families and the School. I believe that a strength of SCEGGS is the sense of community that exists, not just in the student body, but the community as a whole - students, staff, parents, and Alumni. I have seen moments where families are in real crisis and have marvelled at the way that staff and students at SCEGGS offer support with such care and openness. In the coming weeks we have a musical soiree where a number of Old Girls will be performing, and at the end of last term SPAN hosted another fabulous event that was attended by parents and students, past and present. How wonderful to be part of a community that is enriched by the strong, supportive connections that have been fostered.

Therefore, it saddens me to see stories in the media about "bully parents" or "concierge parenting", because it suggests that the relationship between home and school is one that, in today’s society, may not be valued as highly as it was. What a shame it would be to see this relationship disintegrate or become one of tension, when both school and home want the young people for whom they care to be flourishing emotionally, succeeding academically, and feeling supported socially. This is not to say that each and every day will be a positive one, or that there will not be moments where your daughter feels disappointed by a grade or let down by a friend. However, how we work together to assist your daughter to navigate these moments greatly impacts on their ability to develop the necessary skills to become a resilient young woman.

I particularly liked the idea raised in the Greater Good article that, “As humans, we make meaning out of our experiences by telling stories to ourselves about how the world operates. But here’s the important part: Those stories might not be objectively true. They are more like your personal lens on life, colouring your experiences just as if you were wearing sunglasses.” Not only is this a good reminder for us as adults, but it is also important to teach to young people. There is no doubt that it is difficult to face a school day when your friendships are changing, or you have received a disappointing mark, but it also isn’t the end of the world. Instead, we want to help young people learn the skills to reframe negative narratives that they might tell themselves when they feel overwhelmed, lonely or anxious. Another important factor to consider is the correlation between strong social support, optimistic thinking and a significant reduction in stress. This in turn reduces stress in the home too - something I am sure that many parents would heartily welcome as your daughter faces the different challenges that growing up brings.

This is where having a strong connection between the School and families can be so helpful, as if the message young people are hearing is consistent and empowering, what a difference this can make. Fear, feeling rejected or like a failure are natural and normal feelings, and a very important part of learning, but they do not have to control the way that young people respond to the events in their lives. Instead, as the title of this section of Behind the Green Gate suggests, we are in this together, and together can continue to engender a culture of courageous thoughts and actions here at SCEGGS.

Swoboda, K., “How to live a more courageous life”, Greater Good Magazine: Science Based Insights for a Meaningful Life, UC Berkley, October 10, 2018.

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care

Thoughts on the new Stage 6 English Syllabus by Dr Nina Cook

In our second instalment of "Thinking Allowed", English teacher Dr Cook takes us on a journey to New York and back as she explores the philosophy behind the new Stage 6 English Syllabus and demonstrates the new, discursive style of writing students may be asked to employ.

The advent of a new syllabus is always an opportunity for reflection and reinvention. The introduction of the new Stage 6 English syllabus has come at a particularly opportune moment, as it has coincided with our ongoing departmental conversations about student wellbeing and technology, a concern about the difficulty of sustained and concentrated reading, and a renewed understanding of just how foundational good reading is in developing emotional intelligence and empathy.

These discussions prompted me to reconsider some of the key readings that have influenced my practice and approach to teaching English over the past decade. The first is a very dry sounding study I read in 2010: “Changes in Disproportional Empathy in American College Students Over Time: A Meta-Analysis”, from the Personality and Social Psychology Review. This University of Michigan study shows that college students demonstrated 40 percent less empathy than they had 40 years ago, with much of the drop having occurred since 2000. (The study’s authors see the decline in empathy as related to the prevalence of social media, reality TV, and hyper-competitiveness). I was reminded of this study when I heard Neil Gaiman’s 2013 lecture at the Barbican Centre, London about the importance of libraries as foundations for good reading. Gaiman stated explicitly that “the thing fiction does is to build empathy”. For Gaiman:

Empathy is a tool for building people into groups, for allowing us to function as more than self-obsessed individuals.

You're also finding out something as you read vitally important for making your way in the world. And it's this:


If we are losing this vital capacity to be compassionate and insightful won’t we lose what it is that makes us most human?

In David Denby’s 2016, book, Lit Up: One reporter. Three Schools. Twenty-Four Books that Changed Lives, Denby argues that:

Everyone agrees that establishing reading pleasure early in a child’s life is a monumental achievement (and you do it, the paediatricians say, with books not with screens); and everyone also agrees that the gap between those children who grow up loving books and active conversation and those who don’t – with troubled school performance and restricted career opportunities likely for those who don’t is a gap that sets in early and may be hard to close.

Denby then goes on to ask a crucial question that I felt the new syllabus needed to address: But what about high school? How do you establish reading pleasure in busy, screen-loving teenagers – and in particular, pleasure in reading serious work?

This question seemed particularly apposite when I encountered an article by Jean M. Twenge in The Atlantic, September 2017 issue, sent to parents by Jenny Allum, called, “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?” Twenge persuasively argues that “there is compelling evidence that the devices we’ve placed in young people’s hands are having profound effects on their lives—and making them seriously unhappy. You might expect that teens spend so much time in these new spaces because it makes them happy, but most data suggest that it does not”.

She references “The Monitoring the Future” survey, funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, which found that “teens who spend more time than average on screen activities are more likely to be unhappy, and those who spend more time than average on non-screen activities are more likely to be happy”. The question thus becomes, how can we use the new syllabus to address some of these issues?

What we are particularly excited by, as a department, is the Reading to Write and Craft of Writing common modules. The rubric for Reading to Write, the transition module to Senior English, states:

Central to this module is developing student capacity to respond perceptively to texts through their own considered and thoughtful writing and judicious reflection on their skills and knowledge as writers.

Both this module, and its companion module in Year 12, The Craft of Writing, offer the opportunity for students to reflect deeply on what they have read and to respond to texts in their own voice in a discursive form. This emphasis on reflection and, on texts helping students to develop insights into the world around them, deepen their understanding of themselves and the lives of others, and enhance their enjoyment of reading, seems directly linked to the challenges my readings posed.

All this was on my mind when on a coldish day in January I found myself standing outside the Lego store on the corner of Fifth Avenue and West 23rd Street in New York. I was waiting for a guide from the Art Society to take me on a walk of Edith Wharton’s New York. My vision of Mrs Wharton’s Gilded Age had always been of whispered conversations behind fans, plundered rich Rococo furniture and deep velvets, the click of horses’ hooves and their steaming nostrils, the redolent whiff of a coachman’s blanket. There are always shadows in Wharton’s world, conversations are opaque, shimmering, unable to survive the glare of the electrical globe. Standing outside the garishly primary-coloured Lego Emporium, looking across at a Starbucks and a nearby Pret a Manger, nothing could have seemed further from the assertive and seriously subjugating brownstones of Wharton’s youth.

The guide walked us all of five paces and stopped opposite the ubiquitous green sign. He pointed to a tiny red plaque just beside the entry door:

Edith Wharton 1862-1937. This was the childhood home of Edith Jones Wharton, one of America’s most important authors, at a time when 23rd Street marked the northern boundary of fashionable New York.

I looked up.

There was the drawing room window where the narrator of Wharton’s short story, “New Year’s Day” stood watching the married Lizzie Hazeldean and her lover Henry Prest trying to sneak out of the Fifth Avenue Hotel after it most inconveniently caught fire. I remembered the opening line: “She was BAD ... always”. The outrage and glee of that assertively capitalised BAD! I loved it. The way it jumped with the force of Wharton’s condemnation at the small-minded cruelty of her society. The ultimate insider wielding the pen as sword against her oppressors.

The lovely theme driving the new Reading to Write module that the departmental working group had come up with was ”Beneath the Surface”. I had been thinking about the word “palimpsest” (a manuscript upon which earlier writing has been later overwritten), which I had just been relishing while re-reading Margaret Atwood’s "The Handmaid’s Tale", the core text for the unit, and here it was in front of me, the visible traces of an earlier form. The present overriding the past, but the past waving its hand vigorously, signalling its presence. Taxis honked and pedestrians bustled, taking the short cut through Madison Square to the East side.

Both Edith Wharton and Henry James had spent their childhoods with that square at its centre. Although James was older, I imagined them passing each other as they were hustled by their nannies to Grace Church. Wharton wrote in her autobiography A Backward Glance that she had spent “a childhood and youth of complete intellectual isolation”. I wish she and Henry had been able to stop and speak then. She recalled that when she first actually spoke to James, she was “still struck dumb in the presence of greatness” But it wasn’t long before it was as if they had always been friends, and were to go on being, as Henry wrote to Edith in February 1910, “more and more and never apart”. I was reminded of a recent survey: “About the Mental Health of Children and Young People" by the NHS, released in November 2018. This study reveals that “about one in six (16.9%) of 17 to 19 year olds in the UK experienced a mental disorder in 2017. Girls were over twice as likely to have a mental disorder than boys at this age (23.9% and 10.3% respectively). Emotional disorders were the most common type of disorder reported, experienced by 14.9% of 17 to 19 year olds. Nearly one in four (22.4%) girls experienced an emotional disorder”. Edith’s intellectual solitariness and sense of otherness was relieved in part by reading. It sustained her until she found her tribe, Henry James and the other writers and artists, who made her feel less lonely and strange. What we could offer our students was a way to bear loneliness and vulnerability by helping them to be good readers and to find the solace that Edith found.

There was another highlight from Wharton’s adolescence that stuck in my mind from that tour. The French had sent the Statue of Liberty piecemeal to America. They had delivered the arm with the torch first. The City of New York had placed it in Madison Square to raise money for the pedestal it would need when it was finally assembled. The New York Times had written in 1876:

Finally, our eyes were gladdened by the actual receipt of a section of ‘Liberty’. Consisting of one arm, with its accompanying hand of such enormous proportions that the thumb nail afforded an easy seat for the largest fat woman now in existence.

Standing at the apex of Madison Square I could see Edith delightedly joining the happy throng outside her doorstep, paying her penny and sitting in that thumbnail surveying all that was familiar to her with the bird’s eye of the born novelist. She viewed the world through books. They were the building blocks of her identity.

Having been deposited back at the Lego store I walked uptown to meet friends for dinner. I paused opposite 597 Fifth Avenue as the pedestrian light turned red. Glancing across at a Sephora, I looked up and there was the insignia Charles Scribner’s and Sons, Wharton’s first publishers. They had moved uptown from 24th Street in the 1940s and it was from here that Max Perkins had had a visit from F Scott Fitzgerald with a manuscript called The Great Gatsby and Earnest Hemingway had popped in with The Sun Also Rises. As I crossed and walked on I imagined that elegant store with its beautiful carved staircase, mahogany bookshelves filled with titles and occasional tables with The Beautiful and the Damned piled high.

I thought of Neil Gaiman arguing so persuasively that:

When you watch TV or see a film, you are looking at things happening to other people. Prose fiction is something you build up from 26 letters and a handful of punctuation marks, and you, and you alone, using your imagination, create a world, and people in it and look out through other eyes. You get to feel things, visit places and worlds you would never otherwise know. You learn that everyone else out there is a me, as well. You're being someone else, and when you return to your own world, you're going to be slightly changed.

Dr Nina Cook



Some holiday reading and listening for you all over the school holidays...

Dear Everyone

I thought you might like to see a few different articles we have come across over the past few months.
Perhaps one or two of them might be interesting for you over the school holidays?

1. On perfectionism. 

2. A fun, but serious article from The New York Times that we can ALL learn from! 

3. Some good practical tips to parents for managing screen time. 

4. Interested in the digital detox trend in restaurants? 

5. Helping teenage girls reframe anxiety and strengthen resilience. 

6. And lastly, a podcast from The Harvard EdCast – “Overparented, Underprepared”. 

Wishing all our parents a lovely school holiday time from all of us at SCEGGS, when we get there!

Jenny Allum
Head of School



Congratulations to all the students who participated in this year's Inter-House Speaking Challenge. I am pleased to share the following results:

1st Christian
2nd Docker
3rd  Barton
4th Badham
5th Langley
6th Beck


Individual Results

1st Madeleine Kowalenko Christian
2nd  Phoebe Masnick Docker
3rd Equal: Sylvie Stannage
Harriet Harper 
Georgina Harley-Macdonald

Sandra Carter
Co-ordinator of Public Speaking


It was with immense sadness that I saw the news last week about the tragedy in Christchurch.

The loss experienced in such an horrific event is so profound and something which has far-reaching impact. It is impossible to understand why such events occur, and your daughters may have many questions, but sometimes events such as these can trigger other worries. This can include concerns for a family member or friend who may be unwell, or remembering somebody they know who has passed away. I think, too, of the individuals and families in our community who may be coming to terms with their own loss. Grief and loss, in whatever form, can be a distressing experience.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It might be the loss of a loved one, relationship or even a pet, or it may be that grief is experienced through empathising with the loss of others such as the recent events in Christchurch. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief is likely to be.

Children and adults grieve differently due to their developmental stage, and sometimes this can prove difficult for parents to understand and navigate. Young children fluctuate in and out of the stages of grief rapidly, as they may not comprehend the permanency death; they express their grief more physically. Teens on the other hand may not know how to express their grief and will need some space and time to process their loss. Some may choose to grieve alone, not wanting to stand out or be seen as not coping, whilst others may be much more comfortable expressing their feelings and worries.

In this edition of SchoolTV, parents can learn how to acknowledge their child’s feelings and the best way to support them through experiences of grief. Click here for this month's edition.

In This Together
We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered in this month’s edition and we always welcome your feedback. If you have any concerns about your child, please contact the School.

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care

We are proud to introduce our new "Thinking Allowed" section to Behind the Green Gate. Here, staff will share their thoughts and ideas about contemporary educational issues. We are pleased to present our first article by our Head of Visual Arts, Katrina Collins.

What can a study of Visual Arts offer young people in this rapidly changing world of the 21st Century?


All the skills that are needed to be adept critical thinkers, imaginative, empathetic, flexible and resilient are learnt in the art classroom.

In 2016, the World Economic Forum listed the 10 skills for people to thrive in the 21st century. The 10 skills are: complex problem solving, critical thinking, creativity, people management, co-ordinating with others, emotional intelligence, judgement and decision making, service orientation, negotiation and cognitive flexibility. These skills are the foundation stones of an art education, exercised daily as students explore their creativity, work collaboratively and take risks to create artworks and to express and communicate ideas.

A study of art teaches students to harness their imagination, to think laterally, to take risks and to solve problems. It also enables them to explore and examine history, culture and aesthetics. It is a place where students learn the skills to express their unique selves both visually and through writing and stimulating discussion. In an art classroom, students learn to listen and to appreciate other points of view, to develop empathy and to gain a deeper understanding of the world around them and their place in it.

Visual Arts develops skills necessary to think and work in adaptable, flexible, imaginative ways.

Students observe and interpret their world and to communicate their ideas to an audience. Making art is a great and rewarding challenge. Art students explore materials and techniques, harnessing these to make artworks that can express their unique selves - their feelings, responses and ideas. Designing and constructing an artwork involves critical thinking, planning, collaboration, dexterity and patience! It is risky and students learn from their mistakes to be resilient, picking themselves up, starting again, learning to persevere, to concentrate, to refine and resolve.

Creativity is a vital part of human existence e.g. we can draw before we learn to talk.

One of our strengths as a species is our ability to perceive the visual world in clarity, depth, motion and colour. Much of our brain’s processing ability is specifically concerned with making sense of this world. Visual Arts engages and exercises these very sophisticated skills, sharpening our instincts. It helps us to develop skills in observation and the reading of visual clues, essential in all walks of life and indeed in understanding the actions and feelings of others.

There are infinitely more visuals in the world than there are words in the English language.

Art is a subject where students learn about the visual world and an ability to communicate visually and to understand what is being communicated is empowering. A study of art enables students to decode, decipher and interpret the multitude of imagery that they encounter every day on the internet, social media, advertising etc. An art student can see what is really being communicated - to understand how an image is constructed, to look beyond what they can see for the deeper meaning and the hidden truths.

Most importantly, art encourages young people to notice and to see the beauty in the world - an open sky, the sounds of the city or bush landscape, the smell of rain approaching. It teaches us all to slow down, to look and to appreciate what is around us. Making art can offer quiet contemplation, silencing the outside world as we focus in on our thoughts and vision.

An engagement in the world of art develops young people to be creative, critical thinkers, empathetic and capable of dissecting and interpreting the complexity that surrounds them. It rewards young people with the enviable ability to see the beauty and to find the quiet in a noisy, chaotic world.

Katrina Collins
Head of Visual Arts


What is your favourite tip or guideline to help your daughter have a good night’s sleep?
Thank you to all the parents who submitted a sleep tip last week – we had a fantastic response and have many great words of wisdom from lots of different families across the school. So a big thank you to you all!

The tips covered all sorts of different strategies and included ideas about the importance of exercise and natural light during the day, having consistent routines, managing technology well, using different relaxation strategies, thinking about the quality of the sleep as well as quantity, making sure games and activities get quieter as the evening goes on ... and much, much more!

As I heard a teacher say to a group of students last year, “Do you want to do better at school, be a better learner and feel better in yourself by doing absolutely nothing at all? Then go to sleep!” So how do we help kids do this? Here are your top tips for 5-18 year olds:

1. Consistent routines really help

  • Consistent routines help us make sleep a priority
  • Have a consistent routine prior to a consistent bed time – even on the weekends when you can!
  • Make sure the girls are organised and not procrastinating about homework, so that they can go to bed at a consistent time
  • We’ve made our mornings calmer for everyone by getting things organised the night before – and we try not to have any late nights as a family during the school week.

2. Winding down on device time

  • At least an hour of "screen free time" before bedtime on week nights. We are doing this too and it makes such a difference!
  • No phones at the dinner table – ever!
  • No devices at least an hour before bedtime – this really makes a difference to the quality of sleep we are all getting.

3. "Tech free" bedrooms – no matter what!

  • No technology in bedrooms after a set time (eg 8pm) – and don’t fall for the excuses like "I need my phone to listen to music or to use as an alarm clock" because they don’t! This works much better for us than any software that limits access to Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube or anything else.
  • No screens or phones in rooms overnight – no matter what!
  • Have one place in the living area to charge phones and request that phones are in the charging area from a certain time (eg 7pm or 9pm). This ensures phones are out of the bedroom for study and sleep times. If they need to use the phone they must come to the charging area (eg in the living room).
  • All devices (phones, school tablets etc - including the parents' devices) must be charged in a central spot downstairs overnight. We aim to have the phones there from dinner time onwards.

4. Food and drink – the right amount at the right time

  • Ensure dinner is quiet, calm and healthy – being too full or hungry makes it harder to get a good night’s sleep.
  • No caffeine for my older daughter after lunch – and I’m using this rule too to try and be a good role model!


5. Calm your brain by doing something relaxing before bed

  • 20-30 minutes of reading in bed each night before lights out.
  • A calm bath at the end of the day does wonders!
  • Read a familiar bedtime story, one they have read many times before, keep the conversation quiet and calm.

Thank you again to all the families who submitted a sleep tip last week! And if you missed the opportunity to participate this time, perhaps it is a question you could ask the parents of your daughter’s friends sometime ... what sleep time tips do they have that might work well for you too?


Holly Gyton
Deputy Head of School

Junior Inter-House Speaking Challenge

 House Results

Place                House                   
1st  Langley
2nd  Christian
3rd  Barton
4th  Beck
5th  Docker
6th   Badham


Individual Results

Place   Name                   
1st Ishara Verdickt Langley
2nd Olga Giannikouris Christian
3rd Catherine Park Langley
=4th Annie Furness Barton
=4th Amelia Moran Christian

Congratulations to all speakers. The standard was very high with the results in the first round extremely close.

Sandra Carter
Public Speaking Co-ordinator



A Good Night’s Sleep
“In partnership with the School, it is essential that our parents are empowered with the knowledge and skills to help them navigate their daughters’ educational and social growth.”
Our Path Ahead (SCEGGS Strategic Plan)

For our parents, that knowledge can come from many different places – articles, family members, SCEGGS staff, news, blogs, friends ... the list goes on! There is a lot of wisdom amongst the parents within the SCEGGS community too! And from time to time, we use "In This Together" to share tips and advice submitted by your fellow SCEGGS parents that might help you navigate each of your daughter’s growth in the years ahead.

We all know how important a good night's sleep is for adults and children alike! Sleep enhances our wellbeing overall and when we get enough sleep, we tend to:

  • stay healthier
  • be more creative, think of new ideas and solve problems more easily
  • be able to pay attention, concentrate and remember things more easily
  • be in a better mood
  • get along better with friends and family

... and many other things too!

At several Parent Information Evenings recently, we have heard parents sharing their tips with each other about how to help their daughter have a good night's sleep - limiting screen time before bed, keeping regular routines, exercise during the day and many more.

So what is your favourite parenting tip to help your daughter have a good night's sleep? We’d love you to hear from everyone who has a favourite tip or guideline to share using this quick survey link.

This short survey will close on Monday 25 February at midday ... and we will share a sample of your feedback in Behind the Green Gate next week.


Holly Gyton
Deputy Head of School




Place                House                   
1st  Langley 25 points
2nd  Beck 15 points (countback)
3rd  Docker 15 points
4th  Barton 15 points
5th  Christian 11 points
6th   Badham 9 points



Place                House                   
1st Barton 23 points
2nd Christian 21 points
3rd Langley 13 points (countback)
4th Badham 13 points
5th Docker 11 points
6th  Beck 9 points


 Touch 1

Touch 2

 Touch 3

      19 02 21 InterHouseSoftball



“There is a reason we were given two ears and one mouth..."

Whatever the age of your daughter, keeping the lines of communication open is so important. Whether you have a quiet and shy child, an outgoing pre-teen or a moody teenager who is monosyllabic at best, here are some ideas to help.

Firstly, three tips:

Tip #1:               
Be curious... about her life, her opinions, her ideas.
  Tip #2:    Don’t push it. If the time isn’t right and she doesn’t want to chat or tell you what’s worrying her, let it be...

  Tip #3: Let her know you are always there to listen. That you care about her, that you are easy going and accepting, that you won’t be judgemental...

Keep trying to find the right sort of questions which will encourage your daughter to talk. It might be music or sport, or something else she is particularly passionate about. And do persevere... but gently. She will see that you are open to talk, that you care, that you are interested, even if it doesn’t prompt a deep conversation at the time. You will get there!

Don’t ask closed questions – where the answer is can be given in one or two words. Don’t ask probing questions – it shouldn’t feel like an inquisition. Ask curious questions – about what she thinks, what she feels, what she is worried about. The aim is to get to know your daughter better – and to show you are interested in her, her life, and her views on the world.

You might try to schedule specific times you could start a conversation – over the dinner table, Sunday morning breakfast, or Friday night movies and pizzas. Regular, predictable and comfortable family routines encourage good conversations. But it doesn’t really matter how you start a conversation – what topic you choose. Be alive to what is happening around you, and what your daughter is interested in, thinking, or doing.

Now sometimes it is really tempting to tell her all about what you think! The moment she tells you about a problem or issue she is worried about, you know what she should do. (And of course, you are probably right – you are so much more experienced than her). Trying to resist the urge to solve her problems, to be bombastic or opinionated, but gently encouraging her to find the solution to problems herself, to work out for herself what she thinks ir right or important – it is a far better process in the long-run.

Learn to be quiet! I started by noting that we have two ears and one mouth. Listen more than you talk. Be comfortable with silence. It might take her time to process what she is feeling or wants to say. It might be taking her time to build courage to say something. Or she might be just thinking... Give her the time and space to think, and, just maybe, she might talk.

If you try to start a conversation, and she isn’t responsive, don’t push it. Just shrug and walk away, or drop the subject, or go back to something else you were doing. The time has to be right for her. Don’t push it – if she isn’t ready, let it go. End with something like “I am always ready to listen, when you are ready to talk something over...? Remember – I am always on your side... I always have your back.

The most important thing you can do is to tell her, with genuine love, softness and deep caring in your tone, that you love her. Every child needs to know that they are loved – even when their behaviour is not at all lovable. She needs to know that you love her, even when her behaviour is bad, even when she knows herself that she is being unreasonable and difficult. Smile at her and tell her you love her, write her a card or send a text, find lots of different ways to tell her you love her. Let her know that you are always there to talk or help if she needs it – that you will always be there for her, that you “have her back”.

Find every opportunity to notice good behaviour – and praise her explicitly for it so that she knows you know! Be as specific as possible. “I noticed the way you particularly got ready tonight for school tomorrow – with your bag packed up and ready to go. That is so good! I really admire your commitment to start the day well by being prepared the night before. I am so proud of you for doing that without being asked!”

If you ask a question to which the answer is either yes or no, you will probably just get that – and not a lot else. Practise asking questions like: “What do you think about...?” Or “Why do you think she did that...?” Or “How does that make you feel?” Or “What would you do differently next time?”

None of the advice above (or any other strategy you try) is going to make your communication with your daughter always constructive and friendly. But it might help, in some small ways. And remember – it will get easier, over time. I know this will be the case, without a doubt, even if it doesn’t feel like this is possible, right now. So hang in there!


Jenny Allum
Head of School


This month on SchoolTV - school transitions
Whether it is starting school for the first time, moving up to a higher grade or embarking on the journey to secondary school, there is no doubt that any school transition for children and parents can be a time of mixed emotions. However, as parents the way that you respond during this period can make a world of difference to how your daughter experiences the different challenges that she may face.

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This edition of SchoolTV provides a range of helpful resources, articles and tips to help you and your daughter to manage the transition. You will find information on topics such as starting high school, helping your daughter manage homework, and beginning at a new school. We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered here and we always welcome your feedback. If you do have any concerns about your child, please contact the School.

To access the School Transitions edition of SchoolTV click here.

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



Pocket Awards

Girls in the Secondary School who are awarded a blazer ‘Pocket’ for excellence and outstanding achievement in a co-curricular activity are able to have their blazers embroidered only during holiday periods.

Awards will be announced at Final Assembly on Wednesday 5 December. Blazers may be left at the Student Services Reception on either that day or Thursday 6 December or otherwise no later than 1:00pm on Monday 10 December.

Students with previous awards not yet embroidered can also leave their blazers at this time, however blazers cannot be accepted after the cut-off period on Monday 10 December. Any late submissions will need to wait until the next school holidays.

Embroidery and dry cleaning will be done during the holidays and the cost will be charged to your daughter’s account.



These holidays, Audrey Collingwood and Aneka Henshaw from Year 10 will visit their French host-sisters and their families in Lyon as part of the French Exchange. They will live in that beautiful city for six weeks and go to school there as well. This is a wonderful opportunity for both students to practise the French that they have learnt in authentic contexts and to experience French culture first hand.

Bon voyage Audrey et Aneka!


Angelique Deleeuw
Head of Languages



This year over 70 students from Years 7 – 10 entered the Betty Behan and Gwen Cockell writing prizes. The English Department were delighted to read so many powerful short stories and poems. Students should look out for their work in the Lux magazine released next year as we were able to include extracts from a number of the pieces.

We had so many good entries that we have also Highly Commended students in each competition. The prize winners will be awarded at speech night.

The Betty Behan Memorial Short Story Prize – Junior was awarded to Mathilde Leys in Year 7 for her vivid story “Danse Macabre.” Mathilde drew from her study of Neil Gaiman’s “The Graveyard Book” to create an ethereal representation of the Dance of Death. Lucia Gelonesi and Mary Williams, both in Year 8, were Highly Commended for this prize.

The Betty Behan Memorial Short Story Prize - Senior was awarded to Jedda Thorley in Year 10 for her short story “Saltbush.” Her poignant coming-of-age story focuses on Ethan, a young man coping with his mother’s serious illness. Claudia Hunt in Year 9 and Phoebe Masnick in Year 10 were both Highly Commended for this prize.

The Gwen Cockell Prize for Creative Writing was particularly hotly contested. We congratulate Lucia Gelonesi who has been awarded the prize after submitting three of her evocative poems. We have also Highly Commended Laura Davies in Year 7 as well as Kate Brenner and Emily Wu, both in Year 8.

Thank you to all of the students who shared their work. We are very proud of all of our writers.


Marilyn Pretorius
Head of English



As part of our on-going commitment to reducing waste in the school, it is timely to celebrate the efforts of the kitchen staff in the dining room. Johan, Mel and Lee have worked tirelessly to eliminate waste going to landfill from the kitchen. The talented team is sending the equivalent of a lunch box full of waste into the red landfill bin each day. This is a phenomenal effort and shows that each of us can make a difference with just a bit of effort. Congratulations to Johan, Mel and Lee.

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Susan Zipfinger and Angela Pizzinga
Maailma Environment Club Co-ordinators


As the year draws to a close, the P&F would like to thank Class Parents for all their hard work during 2018. We have seen a wonderful mix of picnics, parties, coffee mornings, community events, movie nights and  family sporting activities during the year and all have been organised by our dedicated Class Parents.  We cannot thank them enough for all they do to continue the SCEGGS tradition of warm and inclusive community get-togethers.  We have a full contingent of Class Parents for almost all Year groups for 2019 too and we look forward to more fun in 2019.

2019 is of course a Festival on Forbes year and work to organise the Festival is well underway. If you would like to join the organising committee, we still have plenty of roles to fill so please email me at or call me at any time on 0408 29 11 96.

Finally and most importantly, the P&F would like to thank the wonderful teachers and staff of our School for all their hard work during 2018. A SCEGGS school year is always so busy and staff across SCEGGS put in an extraordinary amount of time and effort to ensure our students have every opportunity to participate and learn.  We hope all the staff have a restful break over the summer holidays, and wish you all a merry Christmas and  the happiest of New Years.  Till next year, with deepest gratitude,

Penny Gerstle
P&F President




One year ends, another begins…
It’s been another exciting and successful year of Expeditions, Residential Projects, Skill, Recreation and Service, with the girls busily and (usually) efficiently progressing toward that magical,  sought-after Duke of Edinburgh's badge. We would like to congratulate them all for their dedication, hard work, selflessness and fun approach throughout the year, and look forward to them returning next year, relaxed and revived. We encourage them to continue their activities throughout summer if possible – the surf patrols, shifts at the Vinnies store and tennis tournaments can continue to build their hours.

Please be aware that this year’s Duke of Edinburgh video is available on Clickview, so parents can get a small idea of what the girls see and do on their Expeditions.

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We both wish everyone the best possible Christmas and summer, with maybe even a bit of bushwalking or camping thrown in to keep your mind and soul grounded.

Joanne Bower and Doric Swain
D of E Co-ordinators



A Chorus Line
Congratulations to those girls who have been cast in A Chorus Line, the SCEGGS Musical in 2019. Thank you to the many girls who auditioned as the standard was very high.

Female roles have been allocated and we will be allocating roles for boys at the beginning of next term.

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Character Cast
Bebe Benzenheimer Olivia Reed
Cassie Ferguson Teya Phillips
Connie Wong Lara Feller
Diana Morales Marie Karantanis
Jude Turner Hannah Mavrakis
Kristine Urich Nathalie Wilder
Lara Eliza Wachholz
Maggie Winslow Bonnie Harrington
Michelle Costa Millicent Fairlie
Sheila Bryant Zara Rubinsztein
Val Clark Charlotte Barnes
Ensemble Lillian Barker
Sienna Best
Isabella Habib
Imogen Holmes
Emma Kirkland
Lucie Natalizio
India Poiner
Male (roles to be allocated in Term 1)
Sebastian Carl
Hunter Cole
Zachary Fuller
Hugo Gibson
Sean Hwang
Ryan Lum
Daniel Sirmai
Reuben Wilder


Inga Scarlett
Head of Drama



Congratulations to members of the Bugles Band in the Primary School. Last Tuesday was a lovely chance to celebrate some of their achievements. The day began with an open rehearsal, where they shared some music with parents and Year 6 students were recognised for their contribution. We also recognised four students who had 100% attendance for the ENTIRE year: congratulations to Mia Costa, Hannah Guest, Julia Richards and Alexandra West!  At lunchtime the band performed in the Primary School. They added a little Christmas cheer to the playground and Baby Shark was a popular piece to move to!

Well done to the 23 students from the studios of Jonathan Whitting, Kathryn Crossing and Dominique Gallery who achieved very pleasing results in their AMEB examinations last Friday.

Great work those students who recently performed at the Suzuki graduation concert.

Pauline Chow
Head of Music



Secondary Sport

On Saturday Olivia Kibble rode in the 108km Letape Cycle Event in Jindabyne - run by the Tour de France. She was the sole junior female rider and rode for just over 5 hours. She conquered the Beloka Climb coming 32 out of 201 females and 153 out of 941 out of all the riders, in a ride which was described in the SMH as “brutal”. Well done Olivia on this remarkable achievement.

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Results from Easts Touch Grand Finals
Junior Grade B     SCEGGS 7 defeated Wenona 11 8-2 
Year 7 Grade B SCEGGS 14 lost to Loreto Kirribilli 8    
Junior Grade G SCEGGS 10 defeated Ascham 11 3-2
Senior Grade G SCEGGS 5 lost to Ascham 5 2-4
Senior Grade E SCEGGS 3 defeated Ascham 4 6-2

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IGSSA Water Polo
Well done to the SCEGGS 2 team who finished equal first in Grade S06 in the IGSSA Water Polo competition. SCEGGS 4 were also runners up in Grade J07.


Hornsby-Kuringai District Tennis Association
Congratulations to SCEGGS 2 who finished in 1st place in Grade S7. SCEGGS 3 also finished 1st in Grade S8. Well done to all players!


Well done to SCEGGS 1 Futsal team who were narrowly defeated in Senior Division 1 grand final by Kincoppal Rose Bay on Friday evening. The match a very even with the score 4-5 at the completion of the game.


Indoor Hockey
Good luck to our U’18 Indoor Hockey team who play in their grand final on Wednesday evening.

 Alison Gowan
Director of Sport

Primary Sport

IPSHA Years 4-6 Football 2019
On Saturday 2 February, we will have our first training session for the 2019 year at Moore Park Turf fields (Near the cnr Robertson and Lang Rd). We will also be trialling some of the girls who have had injuries this year and will decide final teams in Week 2 of Term 1.

 Time: Year 4: 8.00am-9.30am   and   Years 5 & 6: 9.30am-11.00am
Wear: SCEGGS sports uniform, shin pads, long SCEGGS socks and trainers or boots                 
(Football boots are not compulsory)
Bring: Large water bottle, sunscreen
Wet Weather In case of wet wether please check SCEGGS twitter                            
  Twitter @SCEGGSSports                                                                        

The first Tuesday training session will be on Tuesday 5 February at Moore Park Turf Fields (Near the cnr Robertson and Lang Rd). The girls will catch the bus from SCEGGS and can be picked up at 4.50pm at Moore Park or approximately 5.20pm outside the Sports Hall in Forbes Street.

Please ensure your daughter has a healthy snack, i.e. fruit or cheese and biscuits, no chips etc. and a large water bottle.


Year 3 Basketball 2019
Year 3 Basketball will start with two weeks of training and learning the rules of the game.

Training Dates:   Saturday 2 Feb and Saturday 9 Feb in the SCEGGS Sports Hall from 8.00am – 10.30am.            

Matches will commence on Saturday 16 Feb at SCEGGS.

Tuesday 5 Feb will be the first after school training session in the SCEGGS Sports Hall. The girls will be collected from their classroom at 3.10pm and taken to the Sports Hall. They will have a snack before commencing the session. Please ensure your daughter has a large water bottle as well.

Wear: SCEGGS Sports uniform and sport shoes

Bring: Large water bottle and healthy snack, i.e. fruit or cheese and biscuits, no chips etc.


Sue Phillips
Primary Sport and PDHPE Co-ordinator



This month on SchoolTV - Mindfulness
Over the last decade, mindfulness has been slowly rising in popularity with many individuals practising it on a regular basis. Evidence based research has found that there are many benefits to mindfulness. This year, a team of interested teachers from the Primary School have been working together to implement a mindfulness program across K-6. Through this program they aim to empower the girls through mindfulness to gain self-awareness, confidence, skills for self-regulation and resilience. In the Secondary School, students learn about mindfulness through the Form program and our School Psychologist, Dr Melissa Saxton, has also run mindfulness mediation with students.

Mindfulness can be described as attention training for your brain, enabling you to focus on something without judgement and to stimulate curiosity. Mindfulness can be practised in a number of ways and is something that can be done by everyone - no matter what your age! It has been practised by many cultures around the world, but it is not exclusively affiliated to any particular philosophy or religion. Mindfulness helps improve memory, engagement and performance. Its positive effect on the brain can improve immunity, mental wellbeing, learning ability, emotional health and even time management. It is especially important in this era of information overload as our attention is constantly being pulled in many directions making us more distracted.

In this edition of SchoolTV, parents can learn the best way to introduce mindfulness to their children, implementing it into their daily lives to have an overall positive impact on family relationships. We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered in this month’s edition and we always welcome your feedback.

Here is the link to this month’s edition.

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Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



Head Lice
There have been cases of head lice reported in both the Primary and Secondary School. Head lice are very common in schools, and it is important that all parents check their daughter’s hair regularly and follow the necessary procedures if needed.

For further information, please refer to the NSW Health Department:

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



This week, I wanted to share a few interesting articles which you might find worthwhile. Just some valuable reading when you have a spare moment!

How to help teenagers embrace stress. An article from the New York Times.

How to help kids manage sleep, schoolwork and screens.

And an interesting article from The West Australian about helping young people with resilience.

Please do let me know if you see good articles anywhere which you think might be good to share with others. We are all In This Together!

Best wishes

Jenny Allum
Head of School

Helping your daughter make the most of feedback
This week, the Secondary School is filled with the distinctive sounds of the Semester 2 exam week for Year 7-10 and Year 12 sitting more HSC exams. While this is an important week in the school calendar, in some ways the week after this is an even more important one for our girls in Year 7-10. Why you might ask? Next week is when they will start to get their exams back – and with that process comes a whole range of comments, activities and discussions which are all designed to help the girls identify those areas that have gone well and those that they haven’t quite mastered yet. This feedback step is a pivotal part in all learning – the step that can make all the difference in the future - but making the most of feedback isn’t always easy! So how can parents help?

What does good feedback look like?
Imagine the Tennis coach who says: “You won 12 of the 18 games today”. This sort of comment doesn’t do anything to help a young tennis player grow and learn. Similarly, if you only ask your daughter about a mark or grade, then you miss the opportunity for a much more helpful conversation at home.

What might a more helpful coach say? “Your first serves were spot on today – accurate and powerful. I think it’s your backhand shots that seemed to let you down – only half of them landed in. What might we do about it at practice next week?” I think this is a great example of useful feedback. Why? It identifies strengths, it highlights one area to work on (not listing every mistake), it is timely and it offers the opportunity for the learner to think about how to improve. As our girls mature as learners, we want every student to be able to look at an assessment and the feedback they have been given to be able to articulate similar insights about their academic work.

How can parents help their daughters make the most of feedback?

1. Help her notice what she might need to work on
Don’t just ask her about a mark or an average, but help her to observe and take notice of other important information too. For example, you might consider:
  • Asking her what has gone well. Ask your daughter what are the parts of the exam that she has done best in or is most proud of, perhaps in a particular section or a specific topic.
  • Reading through the teacher’s comments together. Your teacher writes here that you have done really well in the statistics questions, but also writes that some of those algebraic equations didn’t go as well.
  • Making an observation about one thing you have noticed. I notice that you have really excelled in the multiple choice questions, but it looks like you weren’t so sure about all of the terminology in the short answer section. Or just looking at your writing in this extended response, I wonder if you might have been rushing a little more towards the end?
2. Help her think about how she might improve in the future
There are lots of possible cunning plans your daughter can devise here! Sometimes she might need to do more practice; other times, she might need to practise under different circumstances (eg start a little earlier, or work more quickly, or organise things in a different way); sometimes she might just need to keep going the way she is and let increased experience work its magic. Sometimes your daughter might need some help to think through these options.

Naturally, there will also be times when it isn’t clear to your daughter what the best strategy might be – in which case your advice to her is always “why don’t you ask your teacher about how you might be able to work on that for next time?”

3. Help her be realistic about effort
"I put in sooo much effort this time and I still didn't do as well as I wanted!" We have all heard statements like this reflecting the disappointment that comes from trying, perhaps really hard, but still not achieving what we hoped for. For some children, the claim of putting in "so much effort" sometimes means "so much more than I did before", with an implied hopefulness that this new burst of energy will achieve remarkable and instantaneous results. As our kids grow up, it is important to help them learn that some things take time. None of us learned to walk overnight; it took time and perseverance and yes, a few bruises along the way. Similarly, the effects of increased effort happen over time, not overnight!

Equally important is the idea that effort is only powerful and effective when it is focused and targeted on the right things. A student who is practising the piano for five hours a week, but only playing the parts they can already play is not going to improve those tough four bars at the end! Sometimes parents can help by sitting quietly with their children to help them see that it might take a few more attempts with different amounts of effort focused on the right things before a goal is achieved.

4. Keep your results in perspective (& keep extrapolation and dramatisation to a minimum)
A mark or grade on any assessment may say something about your learning in that one specific subject ... but it tells us very little about the individual who achieved that grade! It does NOT measure the character, wit, ideas, passions, intelligence, sense of justice or compassion and everything else that makes each of us the unique individual we are. We all have a role in not over-extrapolating and not giving assessment results any broader meaning than what they actually have. Getting 40% in a History test just means you haven’t quite mastered that part of History ... yet!

Equally, a disappointing result in an English exam does not mean an individual is worthless or destined for disasters of epic proportions in the future. So parents, please help your daughter not to overdramatise. History is filled with examples of people who didn’t get things quite right the first time, but with perseverance and determination, these same individuals went on to achieve many great things. Learning to manage your own emotional response is a really important life skill for us all ... and let’s face it: getting 70% when you were really, really hoping for 80% is not the end of human civilisation as we know it!

So as your daughter talks to you next week about how her exams have gone, take the opportunity to dig a little deeper than just asking about a mark or a grade. Help her to identify her strengths in each subjects and a specific area to work on, help her think about how to improve – and help her keep it all in perspective too!

Holly Gyton
Deputy Head



Message to all in the SCEGGS Community
There has been some media coverage about the Bill in the Senate to remove exemptions from the Discrimination Act and the Fair Work Act for schools on the basis of their religious affiliations and beliefs. There is also attention on a quite different debate – consideration in the Synod of the Anglican Diocese of Sydney about the use of church property for a range of activities.

I think it is important to let you know what I think are the implications of these things for SCEGGS. I want to make it clear first of all, that I don’t want SCEGGS to have any exemption from any Discrimination Act or the Fair Work Act based on our religion. I believe that all people are made in God’s image and are loved by God, regardless of their sexuality and identity. SCEGGS welcomes all - regardless of age, race, sexual orientation or religion.

SCEGGS is operated by a company, SCEGGS Darlinghurst Limited. We are, however, proudly an Anglican School, and we have always had excellent relationships with the Diocese of Sydney. I expect that to continue. The Anglican Church is, and has always been, a broad Church, and there is a great diversity of views within it. I expect that we will be able to negotiate any issues with the same sensitivity and strength we have shown when controversial issues have been raised in the past. SCEGGS has always demonstrated an ethos which includes acceptance, respect, love, inclusivity, social justice, equal rights, courage.... We will continue to do so.

I know that we have students, staff, parents, and alumni who are members of the LGBTIQ community. Who they choose as their life partner, who they fall in love with, is a matter for them. They are warmly welcome at SCEGGS. I know we have students who are dealing with issues relating to their gender identity. They will be loved and supported. And I know there will be others in our community who view this differently – coming from a different interpretation of the Scriptures, a more traditional, evangelical outlook. We acknowledge and value their beliefs too. And of course, there are those within our community who are still trying to work out these sorts of issues for themselves! To everyone in the school community, we offer our hand in friendship. We will continue to encourage and support students who want to examine controversial questions, and to take a stand on important current issues. We will continue to encourage our girls to talk, to listen, and to learn from each other, to come to a greater understanding on the whole range of complex issues raised in the evolving society of today. We will continue to maintain our ethos of open-mindedness and inclusivity.



SchoolTV: Exam Stress - Special Report
Keeping things in perspective for students and parents alike can help prevent everyone getting overwhelmed during examination periods. Whether this be during the HSC, or in Year 7, having some simple strategies to support your daughter can be extremely helpful. Parents can provide support, not only emotionally, but also practically by keeping their child well-nourished and encouraging physical activity. There are also many strategies that students can implement to help themselves.

Whilst this special report of SchoolTV is specifically focused on the HSC, parents will find useful tips to support their child which can be applied to any examination period. This can often be a stressful time for students and parents, and it is vitally important that a student's mental health is looked after as well as their physical health. Therefore, knowing and implementing these helpful tools as early as possible in your child’s school journey will help everyone keep assessments in perspective and better equip them to deal with the pressures of the HSC when that time comes.

We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered here and we always welcome your feedback. If you do have any concerns about your child, please contact the School for further information.

Here is the link to your special report

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



How to deal with perfectionism in your daughter
The suggestions in this article are only applicable if your daughter really is a perfectionist, so it is important at the start to outline what perfectionism is and what behaviours indicate perfectionism.

If your daughter:

  • wants to do well,
  • works hard and strives to improve,
  • worries about up-coming examinations and doing well,
  • is hard on herself when she doesn’t do well, and is miserable or frustrated when she doesn’t perform at her best,

these are great attributes and you have nothing to worry about! High standards are important, and those behaviours are signs that she cares about doing well, and understands that important achievements come from hard work. This is all great!

None of those attributes above signal perfectionism.

A perfectionist person might be seen to do the following, regularly and repeatedly:

  • Spend many hours on a task designed to be done in 20 minutes or so.
  • Agonise over every tiny detail of a task until everything is perfect; excessive checking and the like.
  • Start again if a little mistake is made – unable to accept the slightest flaw. Even the look of the document is important, whilst that will not be particularly important to the teacher.
  • Be unable to hand an assignment or piece of work in to the teacher unless they think it is perfect – she might prefer to get zero for a task than to hand in something less than perfect and get, say, 8 out of 10.
  • Be overly and unrealistically down on any mark less than perfect, or any constructive criticism from the teacher. Take the slightest less-good mark as a sign that they are a complete failure.
  • Be overly anxious and worried about examinations, reports, tests and assignments that they are incapable of a normal, healthy life.
  • Often procrastinating – unwilling to start something unless they know exactly how to do it perfectly.
  • Sometimes they actually give up easily – the goal of a perfect mark in a piece of work seems so daunting and impossible, they just give up very quickly – often before they start.

The above behaviours of perfectionists are actually symptoms of anxiety. A perfectionist is an anxious person – a person consumed by their own inadequacies, worried about what other people will think of them.

So, here are some thing you can do:

1. Show that you are accepting of mistakes which your daughter makes. If she brings home a piece of work to show you, upset by a mark which was less than what she wanted, or with a critical comment from the teacher, or whatever, look for the positive things in the work. Praise those behaviours you want to reward – like the effort to get it done; about how you value the good things in the work; that you think she has done a good job; and you are proud of her even if the mark isn’t perfect. You love her for who she is, not for her marks.
2. Normalise mistakes. You will help your daughter be accepting of her own mistakes if you help her to see that others (including you yourself) make mistakes, that it is part of being human, and that people are OK with making mistakes from time to time. It is good to quietly observe when others make mistakes. It’s good to reinforce that you see mistakes as opportunities to learn.
3. Make sure your rules reinforce good, non-perfectionist behaviour. For example, don’t let her stay up all night getting everything perfect on an assignment or project. Have a “homework time is over” rule, and stick to it. When enforcing that rule, make it clear that everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Of course she could do a better job on an assignment if there were 28 hours in the day! But there aren’t. And so she can only do as much as she can in the available time. Balance in life is important, good sleep is important too, as is a good social life and positive family time. So say quietly: “Homework time is over now. I know you haven’t finished, but your teacher will be happy with what you have done so far. It’s time for bed now”.
4. If your daughter is panicking over work and her inability to do it, talk quietly to her, giving calm coping statements like: “You are doing fine, darling”, “Let’s just stop for a minute and collect our thoughts”; “We love you whether you do well in your maths test or not”. “Let’s take a break while you are panicking. You can’t think straight in that state of mind. We will come back to it after a little break”. Help her to breathe regularly and deeply. It would be a good idea to do something else – have a shower, go for a walk, and then come back to the work later.
5. Reinforce good behaviour. “It was great to see you persist, even when it got really hard”. “I noticed you kept calm and asked for help in a quiet voice. Well done”. Or “I noticed that you made a mistake but kept on going, rather than starting again. I am really proud of you for that”.
6. Praise effort, not grades. If your daughter thinks that getting really high marks is important to you, then she will focus on that. If she thinks that the effort she puts into something (within reason) is important to you, then she will focus on that. Effort is more important than the final mark.
7. Be patient. It takes a long while to help a teenager overcome unhelpful perfectionism. Being calm and accepting yourself is such an important first step, but it will take a long time until you start to see some improvement. So be patient!

If some of the symptoms of perfectionism are extreme, or if they persist for a long time, you could consult a specialist – talk to your daughter’s classroom teacher or Year Co-ordinator, one of our School Counsellors, or your GP. She may need more professional help.

Good luck and best wishes for the new term!

Jenny Allum
Head of School



What tips or advice would you give our girls for all the adventures that await them beyond school?
Thank you to all the parents, staff and Old Girls who submitted a tip last week – we had a fantastic response and have many great words of wisdom from lots of different families across the SCEGGS community. So a big thank you to you all!

The tips included lots of very practical tips like get a Medicare card, clean your room, finally get your driver’s licence, learn how to load the dishwasher ... and thank your parents for all that they have done for you! Many replies also included more philosophical words to help our Year 12s as they tackle the diversity of possibilities in the years ahead – university, TAFE, apprenticeships, travel, first jobs, promotions, leadership roles, relationships, family and so much more! We also know that each and every girl will have a different journey, take different opportunities, celebrate different successes and also face diverse challenges and obstacles along the way.

So what were some of our favourites?

  • Know yourself, listen to your inner voice, have the courage to follow your heart and pursue your passions.
  • The best opportunities sometimes come from the most unexpected places – keep your eyes and minds open to the possibilities around you.
  • Be open to meeting new people in whatever you do next year and make an effort to keep in touch with old friends.
  • Eat well, sleep well and look after your health – and drive safely.
  • Know that you are well supported and support others.
  • As you enter the workforce, whether part-time or full time, don’t let anyone tell you that you have to tolerate bad behaviours like sexism. Try to change the adult world where you find it unsatisfactory!
  • Whatever job you are doing, do it well.
  • Treasure your sense of adventure and don’t be afraid to try something new – even when you’re 95!
  • Keep things in perspective – the celebrations and the times when things go wrong - and keep your sense of humour. A laugh and a smile go a long way in life.
  • Give it a go – surely a hundred passionate SCEGGS girls from the Class of 2018 could certainly give any glass ceiling a nudge?
  • Don’t live your life in a silo – actively engage with lots of different people in life, old and young, near and far, and be enriched by what you learn from them all.
  • You are you, you are unique: be yourself, enjoy yourself and make the most of you. Whatever you do, don’t waste time living someone else’s life.
  • Sometimes, just stop for a moment to be thankful for all the best things in life – your family, your friends, love, health and everything else that we are so lucky to have.

Thank you again to all members of the SCEGGS community who contributed their ideas last week. We also enjoyed the reminders to listen again to the words of advice that originally came from an essay published in the Chicago Tribune more than 20 years ago, called Wear Sunscreen, and which were also released as a song by Baz Luhrmann. Take a moment to listen again:

We wish all the girls in the Class of 2018 the best of luck for the HSC and all their adventures beyond the Green Gate ... and remember, once a SCEGGS girl, always a SCEGGS girl!

Holly Gyton
Deputy Head of School



As we come to the end of Term III, we also approach the time when we say farewell to the Class of 2018. Although it can be a little scary for the girls to think about life beyond classrooms, bells and school uniforms, it is also a really exciting time for them as they consider the world of diverse possibilities ahead – university, TAFE, apprenticeships, travel, first jobs, promotions, leadership roles, relationships, family and so much more! We also know that each and every girl will have a different journey, take different opportunities, celebrate different successes and also face diverse challenges and obstacles along the way.

So as our girls embark on their own adventure, we’d love to hear from lots of different members of the SCEGGS community: what tips or advice would you give to our girls in Year 12 as they walk out the Green Gate? You might like to give them some:

  • practical advice about university or starting your first job
  • a reminder about the most important things in life
  • an inspirational quote or saying that has served you well

... or any other general words of wisdom!

We’d love to hear from everyone who has a tip to share. Please just email your contributions to Holly Gyton ( by Monday 17 September... and we will share our collective advice for the Class of 2018 with the whole school community in Behind the Green Gate next week.

Holly Gyton
Deputy Head of School



This month on SchoolTV - Sleep
180906 Sleep SchoolTV PromoStudents today have extremely busy schedules, with ever increasing responsibilities at school and at home. Many kids, especially adolescents, are going to bed later and later and are at risk of sleep deprivation. This affects three areas of a child’s development: psychological, physiological and psychosocial. All three are essential to a child's growth, learning ability and overall wellbeing. Sleep is vital to a child’s overall health and is as important as diet and exercise.

Sleep also strengthens a child’s immune system and supports their ability to function properly on a daily basis. Children who do not get enough sleep show increased levels of aggressive behaviour, are less attentive and are much less active. Trying to catch up on sleep on weekends is not the answer and can still lead to severe sleep deprivation.

In this edition of SchoolTV, parents will learn about the importance of sleep and how sleep deprivation can have adverse effects on a child’s health and wellbeing. We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered in this month’s edition and we always welcome your feedback.

Here is the link to this month’s edition

Past editions on the following topics are still available for you to revisit at any stage:

  • Anxiety
  • Body image
  • Eating disorders
  • Physical activity and exercise
  • Diet and nutrition
  • School transitions

We hope that you have been finding the SchoolTV resources helpful. If you do feel at all concerned about your child, please do not hesitate to contact the School.

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



Here are a few interesting resources which you might find helpful:

1. A 6-minute Ted talk on grit – the power of passion and perseverance:
2. A podcast on parenting, featuring Carol Dweck, Stanford Professor of Psychology, which examines mindset, motivation, and parenting tips in the context of her recently receiving the Yidan Prize. (if you are time poor, the “tips” begin at around the 10-minute mark...)
3. Despite the title of the article below, it’s less about technology and more about how caring for each other is an antidote to the rapid increase in anxiety among our kids and in our culture in general. It’s a nice reminder to calm down, slow down and keep mindfully moderating and restraining ours and our kid’s use of screens.
4. A short, interesting article on Why Stepping Back Can Empower Kids in an anxious world

Jenny Allum
Head of School



Helping your Daughter with Friends
Some of the hardest lessons children learn at school are about friendships. As adults, we know that just about all friendships have their ups and downs, and through our life experiences we have learnt how to deal with the disappointment we have all felt at some time in our relationships. But for children it can be really tough, and we know it can be heartbreaking for parents to hear their little girl talk about friendship problems she is experiencing. Instinctively, parents want to jump in and save their daughter by fixing things for her. But this could be doing more harm than good, because you can’t always be there! Parents need to be guiding their daughter through their friendships, empowering them with the confidence and skills they need to deal with things on their own.

The teachers and I regularly work with parents, helping them navigate their daughters through friendship issues. I’ll share some of our tips with you:

How to help your daughter make new friends
Not all children make friends easily, and even for those who do there will be times when her friendship circle will need broadening. Encourage your daughter to have a wide circle of friends, rather than one ‘best friend’. Few best friends last forever, and it can be gut wrenching for children when a best friend moves on.

  • Encourage your daughter to be pro-active in making friends, not wait for others to come to her. Encourage her to approach others and ask them to play or join an activity. Give her tips on what to do when meeting new people: to smile, maintain eye contact, introduce herself, ask questions. Practice with your daughter opening lines of conversations she could have when making a new friend; an opening line can be as simple as ‘What did you do on the weekend?’
  • Read stories to your daughter about making new friends. There are many available online, or speak to one of our librarians who’ll be able to help you.
  • Encourage her to be herself. Children will often adopt personas or certain characteristics hoping these will make her more attractive to new friends. It rarely works! What will attract new friends are honesty, respect, loyalty and kindness – encourage your daughter to embody these characteristics and when you see her displaying these, recognise it.
  • Encourage her to join co-curricular activities, after school or at lunch times. These activities provide children with a focus, at the same time as opportunities for social interaction, enabling children to make friends with others with similar interests. Team sports are a wonderful option, but there are also Music groups, and Art, Science and French clubs the girls can join at school.
  • Organise play dates after school, on weekends and during the holidays. While friendships can be made at school, many are fostered outside of the school day. But try and organise a mix of ‘free play’ and activity based play dates – a lot of pressure can be put on the ‘host’ child if activities aren’t organised, especially if she is struggling with friendships. And avoid having group play dates if the aim is to foster a new friendship; group play dates can backfire if sub groups form and the host can even end up feeling left out.

How to help your daughter when she’s struggling with friendships
There are all sorts of reasons why children struggle with friendships: a friend might say something mean, a child may feel left out of a group or a game, and friends move on and no longer want to be a child’s friend.

  • Help your daughter understand that no relationship is perfect, and that friendships change and that’s ok! These are messages the girls have heard through the UR Strong Friendship programme at school too.
  • Sometimes children’s struggles come from a place of jealousy – when a friend plays with someone else, when a friend achieves something your daughter hasn’t. Help her understand how she is feeling and why.
  • Listen to your daughter’s problem, and ask her questions to clarify exactly how she is feeling and why. Resist giving advice straight away! Ask her what options she has, problem solve together.
  • There are always two sides to every story; if appropriate to the situation encourage her to see things from both sides.
  • Help her learn how to recognise the difference between intentional and unintentional mean behaviour. Sometimes the girls can be over-sensitive! Help her understand that sometimes friends don’t realise their actions could be interpreted as being unkind. Teach her how to verbalise how she is feeling to her friends, in a calm way, so that they know how she is feeling and hopefully it won’t happen again. Role playing this conversation with your daughter can help.
  • Don’t make the decision for her (because she probably won’t take your advice if you do!) but help her recognise when a friendship may be negative and it’s time to move on and make new friends. Ask her if she feels comfortable with the friendship, if it makes her happy, if she can just be herself.
  • Please don’t contact the other child’s parents if there has been an incident or something has gone wrong with a friendship – this can make things worse! Always talk to us at school.
  • Encourage your daughter to talk to her teacher – they will be able to help her too!

Having positive friendships is so important for the wellbeing of children and we want all our girls to have the skills, confidence and independence to ride out the stormy aspects of friendship and enjoy everything good friendships bring. Please, do come in and talk to me, or any of your daughter’s teachers, if your daughter is ever struggling with her friends. We are here to help you, as well as your daughters!

Elizabeth Cumming
Head of Primary School



Resilience vs Rescue
I am sure that you, like us, want your daughter to leave SCEGGS as a resilient person - someone able to face challenges, solve problems and accept and learn from their mistakes. However, girls live in a world where opportunities to develop these skills can often be hard. There is no ambiguity in the lives of adolescence instead there are answers at the click of a button. If something goes wrong, they can be in contact by phone in an instant. If they are unsure of an answer, Google will help. Therefore, opportunities where problems arise and a simple Google search won’t provide the answer offer such value. Sometimes, though, it can be very difficult to ignore our desire to rescue and allow these opportunities to rise to the surface - to allow an opportunity for your daughter to develop greater resilience.

There is no doubt that in order to become more resilient we need to actually face disappointment, anger, rejection, worry and fear. However, when we rescue someone from experiencing these emotions-emotions which are a normal part of the human experience- we take away something much more valuable than the short-term emotion they feel. It is extremely empowering to solve a problem, to have moments of reflection on our successes and failures, our challenges and triumphs. These learning opportunities provide growth, build our sense of self-efficacy and ultimately help us to become more resilient in the future.

When your daughter is feeling anxious or worried, a ‘rescue’ response can often override other possible solutions. However, whilst allowing your daughter to have a day at home or giving them a chance to avoid feelings of discomfort may ease the anxiety momentarily, it can often do more harm in the long run. Anxiety is a natural (and important) emotion and failure, whether real or perceived, is unavoidable. I would also ask, what safer, more supportive place could you find to experience disappointment or failure? Of course, if your daughter’s level of anxiety is prolonged or feels disproportionate to the event, we would always encourage you to speak to us here at school.

Sometimes our desire to rescue is a response to our own distress or concern. Remembering that we have a choice how to respond and when to respond is actually very powerful. Having a series of questions you can ask which prompt your daughter (and sometimes yourself!) to develop their resilience and try to solve problems themselves first can be so helpful. For example:

  • What are three other possible outcomes?
  • How could you approach that conversation? We can role play this together if you’d like?
  • If your friend was experiencing this, what advice might you give them?

When our immediate response is to rescue someone, unconsciously we are also saying that we don’t have faith in their ability to solve the problem themselves. You do not have to respond immediately when you receive a message or phone call from your daughter. It can be hard to ignore, but remember that if there was a serious issue, the school would be in contact immediately.

Even as teachers, sometimes our initial response is to try to solve the problem a student brings to us! And whilst this is sometimes the right thing to do, we do a disservice to the young people we care for when we don’t give them the opportunity to try solve an issue themselves.

So, whilst we understand how hard it can be not to respond to that initial urge to rescue, remind yourself that resilience is something that grows with every challenging experience. By encouraging your daughter to practise resiliency it allows them to be courageous, independent and strong, and what amazing qualities to possess.

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



Subject Selection – an opportunity to help your daughter with her ability to make decisions
The ability to make wise and informed decisions is something that does not come naturally to most young people. It is a skill that is developed through a range of experiences, both good and bad. In order to assist our girls in the development of their ability to make well informed decisions, we need to look for opportunities to have conversations with them about what a good decision making process might look like. We need to help them identify the type of questions one should ask when trying to weigh up the pros and cons of a situation or when trying to decide which option one might take when presented with a particular problem or issue.

Next week, in the Secondary school, it is Orientation Week. Students currently in Year 7 through to Year 10 will be asked to decide upon what elective subjects they would like to study in 2019. For students entering Year 8 it will be the first time that they are given an opportunity to have some say in what they are going to study, whilst students going into Year 11 will for the first time be asked to decide upon their entire pattern of study. Some girls will be very confident and definite in the choices that they wish to make. Whilst others will struggle with the decision because they are very unsure about what to do or they will worry about the consequence of making the wrong decision.

It is my opinion, that this process of subject selection presents an opportunity to have conversations with your daughter about how to reach a decision that feels right for her. It provides the perfect platform upon which to model for your daughter the need to ask questions in order to assist in the making of a good decision. What subjects do I enjoy? What am I good at? What might I like to learn more about? are some questions she should consider in trying to reach a decision about what electives to select. Additionally, other advice you could give your daughter might be for her to consider what other information she needs to gather or who she might talk to in order to find out more about particular subjects.

Making decisions about a future pattern of study may also provide you with the chance to have discussions with your daughter about making choices that are right for her, rather than for others. That is, ensuring that she is selecting a subject because it is something that she wishes to study rather than making a choice because her two best friends are selecting that subject. Discussing with your daughter, what options are right for her may provide you the chance to remind her that in some instances as young a person she will feel pressure from others to do something that she might not be comfortable about and that she should always remember that she should stick to what she feels is right for her rather than give into the pressure she might feel from those around her.

Therefore, when chatting with your daughter about what subjects she might like to study in 2019 or having this discussion at some point in the future, remember to think about using it as an opportunity to provide her with the tools to make decisions for herself. In this instance it is a safe and structured situation where there is a great deal of support for her to reach a decision with which she is comfortable. However, it might just also help develop within her the skills to make wiser decisions when she may be faced with more challenging and significant choices at some point in time.

Andrew Gallagher
Director of Curriculum



Another very good edition of SchoolTV for parents to view centres around body image in teenagers. A recent study highlighted that body image is one of the top three concerns for Australian youth. Over half of girls in high schools have tried to lose weight. One-third of teenage boys wanted to be thinner and another third wanted to be larger. Children need to understand that their body shape and size is not a reflection of their health or success. Parents and schools need to work together to help kids understand that everyone is born with their own ‘body-suit’.

In this edition of SchoolTV, parents will learn how to encourage their child to have a positive body image and why it is so important to their mental health. We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered in this month’s edition and we always welcome your feedback.

If you have any concerns about your child, please do not hesitate to contact the School.

Here is the link to this month’s edition

Bethany Lord
Director of Pastoral Care



Importance of Going to School Every Day
Making sure that young people attend school every day is so vital – both to their social development and their academic progress. Remember that is the law of every Australian State and Territory that children go to school every day, and for good reason!

Regular attendance at school is one of the best predictors of academic success. The better the attendance, the better the school achievement! If you allow your daughter to miss around just one day a fortnight, over the course of their school career that amounts to more than a year’s schooling! Of course she is going to do less well than her regularly attending counterparts with that sort of attendance record. But every single lesson is important; vital work is missed - an explanation, a reference, a fact or idea... every single lesson!!!

Regular attendance at school helps your daughter to make and keep good friends. If your daughter is away from school, her friends will find others with whom to associate. And things happen at school - things which her friends will be talking about, laughing about, sharing stories and memories. If your daughter is not there to share these experiences, she might feel “left out” and excluded from that time, from that conversation, from that experience shared. She missed out...

Regular attendance at school raises feelings of confidence and self-esteem. You gain a sense of belonging to a community by feeling comfortable and at home there. That sense of belonging also impact a young person’s feelings of self-worth – through inclusion in a community, support from others, approval from those around her. And this sense of inclusion and support doesn’t come as easily if you are only there in a part-time capacity.

Regular attendance at school helps young people to understand how to be a good citizen, how to fulfil obligations, how to take responsibility for their own actions. Not every day is going to be a good day. When you go to school, even if there is something you are not looking forward to, or if you are feeling slightly “below par”, you learn about your own inner strength, and you develop a little more resilience. As a parent, you want your daughter to be adaptive, resilient, community minded. You want her to know that, even if she is a bit uncomfortable or unhappy, she is strong enough to get through it, maybe even with a smile....

Here are some thing you can do to help your daughter to attend school each day:

1. Talk positively about school. Talk about the importance of it, and your expectation that she will go to school every day. Do this as a matter of routine from the earliest times that she starts to think about school. Do this in an encouraging way – generating excitement and anticipation about the great things about school – opportunities to learn, to have good friends, to experience new things, of belonging to a social and caring community.
2. Help your daughter around school routines when she needs it – particularly in the Primary and younger Secondary years. Help her to be organised the night before, to get up early, to be ready to leave when she needs to.
3. As your daughter gets older, talk to her about her dreams and aspirations – a career, a university course, an ultimate goal. Even if she has no idea about what she will finally end up doing after school, making sure that she understands the importance of a good end-of-school qualification, a good school reference and a good set of report cards. This may help her to see the relevance of going to school each day.
4. Everyone needs medical appointments, dentist and orthodontist appointments, and other such arrangements from time to time. Demonstrate your commitment to school attendance by trying all you can to schedule these outside of school hours – early morning or after school, or in the school holidays. Of course this is not always possible, but you communicate a great deal about your values and your commitment to schooling by trying to do this where you can. Similarly with family activities, travel and the like. Do all you can to reinforce the importance of going to school every day by not taking your daughter out of school unless it is absolutely imperative.
5. Make sure you do all you can to keep your daughter healthy – you know the importance of a balanced diet, drinking plenty of water, getting sufficient sleep and so on. Allow your child to stay home only in the case of a contagious or severe illness.

If your daughter doesn’t want to go to school, you need to make a judgement:

  • Is she actually really sick and should stay home?
  • Is she just being a little lazy and would prefer a day at home? This is perfectly understandable – we all feel like that from time to time! It is just that adults push through this and get up and go to work anyway. Do you need to help her find that inner strength to overcome those feelings of lethargy and indifference to school?
  • Or is there something more worryingly wrong at school – is she being bullied, finding schoolwork overly difficult, or is she having trouble making friends? If your daughter frequently says that she doesn’t want to go to school, find a quiet time to talk through the issues which may be confronting her, or things she is feeling uncomfortable about. If she isn’t forthcoming, talking to someone at school – her class teacher or someone on the pastoral team might help to shed some light on what the school is seeing and help you to devise some strategy to help her feel more comfortable at school.

We always welcome conversations with parents about this sort of matter – if you are worried or not sure how your daughter is experiencing school. We want her to be happy and flourishing too! Do give us a ring if would like to chat about how to help your daughter get the most out of school and attend, every single day.

Jenny Allum
Head of School



Wellbeing apps for young people (and maybe grownups too!)
While there is more and more compelling research to indicate that there is a direct and causal relationship between excessive screen time and compromised wellbeing in young people, it is equally important that we find ways to use technology to its full advantage. It is a delicate balance! There are a number of wellbeing apps designed for regular use to help young people establish and monitor healthy habits, as well as apps to support young people with good strategies in tricky times. You might like to check them out too!

ReachOut ReachOut Breathe: This app helps with controlling your breathing and heart rate and increasing your sense of calm and ease, particularly if experiencing panic attacks.
ReachOut Worry ReachOut Worry Time: This app helps to manage your stress levels, feel more in control of your anxiety or stress, develop a regular and effective method of dealing with day-to-day worries, and feel less overwhelmed.
Recharge Recharge: This app helps you establish a good sleep/wake routine that includes regular exercise and early daylight exposure to help improve your mood, energy and general health and wellbeing.
Smiling Mind Smiling Mind: Smiling Mind guides you through simple meditation exercises to get you started on your mindfulness journey. Just as we eat well and stay fit to keep our body healthy, meditation is about mental health and looking after the mind.
Headspace Headspace: This app offers guided meditation and mindfulness.
Mindshift MindShift: This app is designed to help you cope with anxiety. It can help you change how you think about anxiety. Rather than trying to avoid anxiety, you can make an important shift and face it.
Checkin The Check-In app: This app is for anyone who wants to check in with a friend who they might be worried about but is concerned about saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse.
MyMoodTracker MyMoodTracker: A tracker to help you understand what causes your emotions to change and to become aware of your emotional state over the course of a day.

 Sophie Kearns
Director of Pastoral Care



Here are three articles from a great website – that of the Raising Children Network. We think these three might be helpful for different issues in bringing up your daughters and communicating well with them.

Active Listening: A Skill to Promote Communication with your child:

Staying connected: you and your teenage child:

Privacy, monitoring and trust in the teenage years:

Jenny Allum
Head of School



Last year we sent an email to all Years K-12 parents relating to the Netflix series “13 reasons why”. It is not a programme recommended for younger viewers but we did learn instances of Primary students accessing the series via siblings, friends and even their own mobile devices. The series addresses the serious and difficult themes of suicide, sexual assault and bullying. There was an extra-ordinary amount of commentary about the series in the media ranging from experts in mental health to opinion pieces, some more helpful than others. The second season of “13 reasons why” was released on Netflix last Friday afternoon and we thought it would be helpful to revisit some resource material for parents (some newly written for this season) and encourage an informed and aware conversation with your daughters rather than an alarmed or reactive one. Netflix has made greater efforts to give warnings of graphic content and themes at the beginning of certain episodes, as well as directing viewers to resources for seeking help at the end of each episode. We hope that you find this next communication about the second season helpful.

I have just finished watching the second season and understand its appeal as a fictional piece of viewing on relevant topics that affect young people. The acting is excellent, the story moves at a cracking pace, the soundtrack is great, and the script is easy and fluid. The second season adds substance abuse and an undercurrent of (potential) gun violence to the themes of suicide, sexual assault and bullying. And yet despite the colour and the contemporary appeal, my reservations from the first season still loom large. Again, I felt a discomfort with the omnipresence of the protagonist who takes her own life in the first season: I felt it crudely under-represented the finality of suicide. My other primary concern was the lack of help seeking on the part of young people in the programme and the absence of trusted adults.

As an educator, I think the saddest part of the show is that it grossly underestimates young people. It repeatedly paints them as weak, lacking any good judgement, and at times morally bankrupt. For younger viewers, it paints a bleak and scary picture of being a teen. Pulling out mobile phones and recording people’s most humiliating moment with no empathy appears to be the norm. Every girl (every woman, in fact) suffers at the hands of boys (or men). There is monumental suffering built through ongoing secrets and lies. With little exception, the characters are largely bystanders to either abhorrent or criminal behaviour, hardly any of which is reported to trusted adults. There is limited display of fortitude or leadership. The magnification and concentration of all the hard parts of life is not unique to this show. Some might even say it is the key ingredient of a good drama, however unrealistic it might be.

School is pitched as the enemy. There is an inescapable and destructive school culture of labelling that minimises the human spirit and dooms every individual to failure; everyone is ‘tagged’ and sentenced to fulfil their role, as determined by others. There is no personal agency and very little encouragement thereof. The impenetrable barrier between generations could have some young people convinced that adults either don't care or have no idea. There is no nurturing, no care, no attention to or celebration of who people are, either as individuals or as a community. Almost all relationships are devoid of trust.

We want to advise parents that some young people might be potentially impacted or triggered by this show. It is not a programme about destigmatising mental health. There is in fact very limited treatment of mental health which comes a distant second to the serious and heartbreaking themes of suicide, sexual assault, bullying, substance abuse and gun violence.

In my time at SCEGGS I have had endless conversations with young people who have displayed strength through expressing their own vulnerability, strength through facing their own fears, strength when seeking the help of experts and adults who care, strength amid a trying adversity, strength in sharing their worries about a friend, and strength in being true to themselves. I hope we never underestimate young people.

Several resources have been sent to schools to help educators and parents have conversations about the themes, even if not the show itself.

Season One

Season Two

Please do not hesitate to be in touch if you are worried about anything at all, or if you would like to discuss the programme. We will be sure to be in conversation with girls about their impressions and thoughts of the programme as the need arises, and more importantly continue to keep conversations about mental health transparent and supportive at all times.

It might be helpful to keep these numbers on your fridge at home and discuss the support networks available to young people:

Sophie Kearns
Director of Pastoral Care




Understanding eating disorders can be difficult for families – they present multifaceted challenges. An eating disorder is a serious mental health illness. It can have significant physical and emotional effects. The beginning of adolescence and late teens are peak periods for young people to experience their first symptoms. Young people with eating disorders can have reductions in cognitive function that directly affects decision making, as well as significant emotional changes, and otherwise routine activities can become disrupted.

We hope that there are some helpful resources and information for you to think about in this month’s edition of SchoolTV, and we always welcome your feedback. If any of this material causes you worry or if you have any concerns about your daughter, please be in touch.

Here is the link to this month's edition

Sophie Kearns
Director of Pastoral Care



I have met plenty of teenagers (and younger girls too) who appear to have a really well developed sense of empathy. They are very sensitive to the way others are feeling and instinctively seem to be able to respond in exactly the right manner. They are astute when it comes to noticing when something isn’t right with someone and have a genuine deep compassion and understanding for the complexities of life. They can see things from others’ points of view and really put themselves in others’ shoes.

But for most adolescents, this is a skill which develops later. It often takes time, maturity and a great deal of explicit teaching of the skills necessary for real empathy. Those parts of the brain which help with empathic understanding typically develop in girls from around 13 onwards. And for many girls, explicit coaching to help them see things from another point of view is required. Some teenagers need help to see important things in life beside themselves, and need training and assistance to help them have the skills to say the right thing at the right time – it does not always come naturally.

So firstly, do not despair if your daughter is not at all empathic! It could feel that she doesn’t care about anyone but herself - she might not seem to care about others nor understand their feelings and needs; she might not want to engage in anything that doesn’t directly benefit herself; and she may seem to say the wrong thing (or nothing at all) at times when compassion, sympathy and understanding are generally called for. Or it might just be that she needs some help to know how to interpret feelings, and how to express hers sensitively and with confidence. What an important life skill it is for parents to help their daughter develop....

I would like to encourage all parents (and grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other significant adults in children’s lives), to really understand and practise the art of conversation. Conversation is a two-way process. Without conversation, you have a hard time building strong relationships and understanding others. Now, you, as an adult, know so much more than your daughter about every aspect of life! But resist the temptation to always give her the benefit of your wisdom and knowledge! Empathy, understanding, caring for the other are fundamental parts of quality conversations. Deep listening, taking the time to be really present when you are talking to your daughter, and wanting to understand what she thinks, what she likes, what she is feeling, is critical. There is a reason that God gave you two ears and only one mouth! Give your daughter the time to talk and express her thoughts and ideas, even if it takes a long time for her to articulate her opinions and concerns.

Here are some tips to help you help your daughter develop greater understanding of relationships and people. Nothing you can do can develop the medial prefrontal cortex or the limbic region of the brain more quickly than it would otherwise develop! But there are some things which you can do to help your daughter develop a greater sense of empathy in the long-term:

1. Model empathy! The best teaching is by example. So, show empathy yourself. In particular, show empathy to your daughter. Discuss what emotions you notice she is experiencing, and demonstrate that you really care about how she might be feeling. Ask her questions about her feelings and emotions, and talk about how you are feeling too. Listen to her when she talks about how she is feeling. And don’t interrupt and interject with what you think she is trying to say. Let her struggle a little with the words. Be comfortable with the silences. Show you really care about what she is trying to say and let her take her own time to do it.
2. Genuinely encourage her to share and delight in the success and joy of others. There is some research to suggest that how we respond the successes of our friends and loved ones is actually a greater indicator of our capacity for productive, empathic relationships than how we respond in tough times. So start with celebrating other’s successes by always acknowledging, congratulating and duly complimenting them... Show how important and natural it is for you to be excited, pleased or impressed by the success of others.
3. Ask questions to help her to think about the feelings of others, and help her with possible answers if she is stuck! There are so many different situations where this can be used. You can ask questions about how a character in a book or a movie or video might feel. “I wonder how Voldemort might have felt when he tried to kill Harry Potter as a baby?” Try to choose questions which your daughter might relate to, and also choose a range of questions which will elicit a range of emotions. There are also many real-life situations where you can ask similar questions. “I wonder how Grandpa felt when you gave him that special present you made him?” “I wonder how your friend might have felt when she read those nasty comments online?” You can discuss how various people might feel as she comes in contact with them – a new student at school, a person who has been bullied, a person who has gained a special award for some achievement, a person who hasn’t yet established some good friends at school. Demonstrate whenever you can that you can celebrate and feel joy in someone else’s success, and also “feel their pain” when they might be hurting.
4. If your daughter needs it, help her to think about what she might say in some difficult conversations which require sensitivity and finesse. For example, your daughter might need to apologise to someone for something she said or posted online. Alternatively, she might need to tell her teacher something she did wrong. Or school might have organised a mediation session with someone she has had a fight with. Or she might need to talk to someone who has lost a grandparent, or who has a serious illness... She might want to join a new friendship group and needs some skills in forming new friendships. All these situations require a level of sensitivity and empathy if they are to go as smoothly as possible.

So persevere! Your daughter might not yet have a well-developed empathy and finessed people skills. Helping your daughter grow to be a really empathic, understanding and compassionate adult is a long journey. But through every interaction, every communication, you provide her with additional opportunities to help her grow and develop.

Jenny Allum
Head of School



130329 SchoolTV

In the last decade, children's participation in physical activity and exercise has been in decline. Research shows that regular physical activity and exercise leads to changes in the brain. It improves cognitive function, elevates mood, enhances learning and improves academic outcomes. Playing sport helps children develop fundamental movement skills and positively impacts on their confidence, self-esteem and ability to develop social skills. Parents play an important role in helping children establish habits that will benefit them in the long-term. In this digital age, children are using computers and mobile devices, for learning, as well as for relaxation and recreation purposes. Many argue that this sedentary behaviour is having a detrimental effect on today's youth. The key is finding the balance.

In this edition of SchoolTV, parents will discover practical advice about the benefits of regular physical activity and exercise, as well as tips on how to get their children motivated and moving more. We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered in this month's edition and we always welcome your feedback. If any of this material causes you worry or if you have any concerns about your daughter, please be in touch.

Here is the link to this month's edition

Sophie Kearns
Director of Pastoral Care



Sport teaches us a lot about life – it is no accident that there are so many sporting analogies in our culture, so many sayings, quotations and truisms used to help understand how to get on in life.

“Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do” - Pelé

“The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.” - Muhammad Ali

“Champions keep playing until they get it right” - Billie Jean King.

So many men and women of sport say the same thing – it is the effort you put in to something which is most important.

I think this applies just as much to academic work at school too.

Of course the quotes above come from amazingly successful people. We are not all going to be as successful as Pelé, Muhammad Ali or Billie Jean King! We can’t all get over 90% in tests, or gain entry into the top universities or colleges. But we can try to do as well as we can at school work, to give ourselves the best possible opportunities for a post-school life, and to be well-educated, thoughtful and contributing adults. Therefore, it is really important that parents praise effort, to recognise that success rarely comes without effort. It is better to say: “I noticed that you put a lot of work into that assignment – well done!” or, “I am really proud of the fact that you started that work early, so it wasn’t a last minute rush”. Or, if they do get a good mark or comment on some work from school: “You see what you can do if you really apply yourself with commitment?”

I want to recommend a book to you – a book called Bounce. It is written by Matthew Syed who was a one-time British Table Tennis champion. His thesis is that the only way you rise to the top is through intense and prolonged practice. For example, he notes that Mozart had likely racked up over 3,500 hours of practice at the piano by the age of 6! Of course Mozart was incredibly talented, but he wasn’t a musician with special God-given powers that enabled him to circumvent practice and effort; rather he was somebody who embodied the rigours of practice. Mozart had talent, but that was not enough. Einstein said: Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. That’s not to say that Einstein and Mozart were not geniuses. Just that they also worked incredibly hard!

No one thinks that academic work, the extending of skills and knowledge should be easy. If it were easy, if you could already do it, what would be the point of doing it? You go to school to learn hard things, to learn things you have to work hard to master. And it is good to enjoy that intellectual challenge - to strive and fail, and fail, and fail again, and then experience the real joy of getting it, of finally being able to do it!

A young friend of mine used to proudly say "I can easily do that....", when she had finally learnt how to use a key in the door, or how to tie her shoelaces, or remember her phone number for the first time after a long struggle. Of course she didn't mean it was easy - she meant that she knew that it was actually really hard, but that she was proud of the fact that she now felt confident in that ability - that she could do it each time.

I want to put that feeling in the context of academic work. We need, as a society, to encourage high levels of intellectual rigour. We should value academic pursuits - to tell students that it is OK to attempt hard work. We need to encourage all students to understand that academic work at school is challenging, and that is good. There are things (a great many things, indeed) which Google can answer, but you don't really learn anything that way. You learn by puzzling over, by grappling with things deeply. The joy of mastering something which has taken real time and effort is unsurpassed.

If a young person says quickly "I can't do that....", then they will definitely be right. You will not be able to do it if you start with that attitude. We want our young people to say "I'll have a go....!" And to strive and work hard, again and again.... You never know, in the end, they too might be able to say: "I can easily do that...."! All of us need to encourage academic resilience in our young people, so that they are NOT put off by a hard HSC Paper, or the difficulty of learning French verbs, or the complexity of sophisticated scientific ideas.

I worry that there has been an increase, over the 30 years that I have been a teacher, in girls' fear of getting things wrong in tests and assignments, an aversion to taking risks in their learning, in wanting a formula instead of grappling themselves, in worrying more about the answer than the process of getting there. I want our young people of today to understand that you often learn more by getting things wrong. It's about the doing, not the answer at the end. It's about the intellect, not someone else's generic recipe.

I spoke earlier of the importance of the struggle of academic work. As a teacher, I certainly know that there are times when it's good to help your child with his or her school work. Giving them some encouragement, a hint about which way to proceed, to show them something they can’t yet do is good!

But it is important to be judicious about this. If you do so much that you take away that struggle, you deprive your child of the journey of discovery, of learning, of growing. What safer place in life is there to fail than at school? There’s a marvellous book called I Can Jump Puddles by Alan Marshall. He contracted polio when he was a child and then there was no treatment available to help him. As a result his doctor operated to correct tensions developing in the tendons of his legs which were leading to curvature of his spine and as a result he was confined to crutches and wheelchairs for the rest of his life.

He lived in Noorat in Victoria and would go on “hunting expeditions” with his best friend Joe; Joe, able-bodied and he on crutches, looking for rabbits and hares. One thing he particularly appreciated about Joe, was that he always waited for him, never trying to assist or carry him. Joe would not rush ahead to search for the prey when they saw some tell-tale sign, but would walk beside him so that they could see what was there together. He wrote that Joe ‘never robbed me of the pleasure of discovery”. You should try to allow your daughters that joy in as many endeavours as possible. The struggle is an essential and profound element of learning. Don’t tell them everything. Let them find out for themselves!

If you help too much, the following happens:

  • Their teacher doesn’t know what your daughter doesn’t know, and so can’t help them. They are working on inaccurate information.
  • Your daughter doesn’t learn much about the academic work. If it isn’t their own work, if they didn’t have to struggle, then won’t really learn. (You might learn something, but they won’t).
  • Your daughter doesn’t learn the importance about honesty and integrity. If she turns in a paper that isn’t all her own work, then that is plagiarism.
  • Your daughter gets the message that you think she can’t do it. That you have to do it for her. It is better to communicate to her that you want it to be her own work – even if it is less good, but the journey of learning is a long one and that the effort and actually attempting it for oneself is the most important, not the final product.

So, by all means encourage, suggest some ways forward, listen to what she is finding difficult and help a little. But don’t take away that struggle, that independence of learning. Through the journey of failure, through the act of perseverance and determination, of “try, try, try again...” may well come understanding and mastery.

Jenny Allum
Head of School



What is your favourite tip or guideline about screen time in your family?
Thank you to all the parents who submitted a screen time tip last week – we had a fantastic response and have many great words of wisdom from lots of different families across the school. So a big thank you to you all!

The tips covered all sorts of different areas about managing screen time and included ideas about weeknight TV, phones in bedrooms, family dinners, managing Snapchat streaks, Netflix in the bathroom... and much, much more! In the main, these tips are being used with children from Year 3-10.

So here are your Top 7 tips for managing screen time with 8-16 year olds:

1. Designate ‘tech free’ time in your family:
Many families designate specific ‘tech free’ time within their family – in different ways, and at different times, but all suggest that it changes the nature of the conversation in the house and calms things down.

  • No screen Sunday - for parents too! House much calmer as a result.
  • No phones at the dinner table – ever!
  • The past year I have “looked after” the children’s phones whilst on holidays and whilst they groan and moan initially, they acknowledge that it has been liberating and relaxing not being tethered to them and they have read books, played cards and all of those other things.
  • Lid down day - Wednesday and/or Sunday.

2. Be a good role model yourself:
Our kids learn so much from the example we set for them by our own behaviour.

  • Make sure you model good screen time behaviours: no phones at the table, whilst driving or a passenger in a car or when spending time with friends. I was surprised how guilty I was of this. The kids call me on this also.
  • We have to lead by example!
  • A shared family charging station that we ALL have to use at the end of each evening.

3. Make sure the rules are clear and consistent:
As children get older, a number of parents commented on the importance of talking with the whole family about what the rules are and then making sure you stick to them!

  • Important to pre-agree screen time rules well in advance.
  • Discuss what “screen time” is with your children and negotiate it with them rather than dictating.
  • Particularly when students are involved in a computer game, they can lose track of time. Give them a warning 10 minutes before screen time is ending.
  • Set up and agree all the rules for usage, monitoring of accounts, where and when screen time is allowed.
  • We switch off our WiFi modem at a certain time in the evening - always advertised in advance and the actual time would often change depending on what is happening on the day.

4. Sleep is absolutely pivotal
We are hearing more and more about the importance of sleep in maintaining our health and wellbeing in the long term. As I heard a teacher say last week, “Do you want to do better at school, be a better learner and feel better in yourself by doing absolutely nothing at all? Then go to sleep!” So how do we help kids do this?

  • At least an hour of ‘screen free time’ before bedtime on week nights. We are doing this too and it makes such a difference!
  • No screens/phones in rooms overnight.
  • Have one place in the living area to charge phones and request that phones are in the charging area from a certain time (eg 7.00pm or 9.00pm). This ensures phones are out of the bedroom for study and sleep times. If they need to use the phone they must come to the charging area (eg in the living room).
  • All devices (phones, school tablets etc - including the parents' devices) must be charged in a central spot downstairs overnight. We aim to have the phones there from dinner time onwards.

5. Could you replace screen time with other activities?
There were a number of suggestions about the importance of other family activities, especially with younger children.

  • Making Family time more interesting than Screen Time and ensuring during this time there are no screens available to anyone, including parents.
  • Friday night board games and pizza is a great way to get the family together and screens off. It might be old fashioned ... but it works.
  • Engaging young children in exercise and other hobbies on the weekend really helps take their mind off playing computer games and watching TV!

6. Can technology help you?
Some families use different third party parental controls, different WiFi connections and different phone plans to assist in managing access to the internet at home.

  • Have a separate, ‘kids only’ Wifi on a timer for which only you know the password.
  • We make sure our children are on prepaid phone plans so data is limited each month. Once they have used it, there is no more allowed.
  • We use third party parental controls to help maintain the rules – there are lots of great products out there. If the girls want extra wifi time they have to ask/text us at work etc and we can add from our phones.
  • Telco's can give you an itemised bill. I don’t think spying and excess checking up is always a good first step, but knowing I can do this helps our girls self-regulate when they know that any SMS they might sneak and send after "phones down" time will show up when the next bill arrives.

7. Don’t be afraid to set limits ... and then follow through!
Every family is different, so it is important to find the ways that work best for you to set the limits ... but then you have to follow through.

  • The girls do lose their phones completely after school or for a day or two if they break the rules. The most common infraction is having the phone in their room at night or spending even longer than usual in the bathroom (and that is really saying something!!) ... as they are on Netflix!!
  • Non-negotiable clearly defined and agreed rules for when screen time is allowed are a must! And you must agree on the consequences upfront when these are broken too.
  • A few months ago Snapchat was becoming a real problem in our house (particularly the "streaking"). To encourage the children in our house to reduce their time on Snapchat we instigated a rule that if there are more than 30 "snaps/streaks" sent or received in a 24 hour period otherwise, they lost use of their phone for the next 24 hour period. When first implemented there were numerous days on which the phones were confiscated. We now rarely have issues.

Thank you again to all the families who submitted a screen time tip last week! And if you missed the opportunity to participate this time, perhaps it is a question you could ask the parents of your daughter’s friends sometime... what screen time tips do they have that might work well for you too?

You will also see in this edition of Behind the Green Gate a very informative article from our Director of ICT, Ken Emeleus, on how to monitor your child's Internet usage.

Holly Gyton
Deputy Head of School



“In partnership with the school, it is essential that our parents are empowered with the knowledge and skills to help them navigate their daughters’ educational and social growth.”

Our Path Ahead (SCEGGS Strategic Plan)

For our parents, that knowledge can come from many different places – articles, family members, SCEGGS staff, news, blogs, friends... the list goes on! There is a lot of wisdom amongst the parents within the SCEGGS community too! And from time to time, we’d like to use In This Together to share tips and advice submitted by your fellow SCEGGS parents that might help you navigate each of your daughter’s growth in the years ahead.

So to start us off, our first question is about the screen time guidelines you use at home with your children. We’d love you to submit your favourite tip or guideline about screen time in your family using this quick survey link:

What sort of tip could you share? Perhaps thinking about questions like these might get you started:

  • How much TV do you allow on a weeknight?
  • Which screens do you allow in bedrooms?
  • Do you collect or turn off all screens an hour before bedtime?
  • Which screens do you allow in your children's bedrooms and when?

... or some other aspect of screen time all together! We’d love to hear from everyone who has a tip to share. This short survey will close on Monday 26 February at midday... and we will share a sample of your feedback in Behind the Green Gate next week.

Holly Gyton
Deputy Head of School




If we want our young people to grow up to be strong, capable, self-assured, resilient young women, we have to help them take responsibility for themselves, to learn to sort out difficulties for themselves, to cope with set-backs themselves. Because of course life is fraught with setbacks, thwarted dreams, times when things don’t go your way, when you have to stand on your own two feet and be strong in the face of adversity. (Of course life is full of joys and happiness too).

Resilience is the ability to cope with adversity. And you can’t develop the ability to cope with adversity if you don’t ever experience adversity! We want our young people to be resilient – resilient learners, resilient team players, resilient people who can take life’s knocks in whatever form they are dealt them; to deal with life’s “curve balls” and rebound and adapt in the face of adversity.

I have this image in my mind from the sport of Curling. I don’t know much about it! But I have seen some manoeuvre where one or two players go ahead of the puck, rubbing the ice with their sticks to improve the ice ahead and smooth the progress of the puck so that it will go further. Some parents are like this! They want to make everything right for their daughters. They want to continually be there to smooth the path ahead, hovering around to make sure everything is good and happy.

If your daughter is upset – because she didn’t get the lead in the school play, or get selected in the sporting team they wanted to, or gain a school leadership position, or didn’t do as well as they wanted in a test or assignment, what are you going to do about it? Each one of these sorts of setbacks and disappointments are learning experiences, where you can help your daughter to cope with life’s complexities and develop the skills and resilience they need to cope with life’s pains and problems.

Helping your daughter to cope with life’s difficulties necessitates an optimistic approach, demonstrating confidence that your daughter can deal with these issues, an understanding that life is not always easy, that failure is a great way to learn life’s lessons. A calm, steady approach, with an ability to regulate emotions rather than ride the roller coaster of feelings is important. When coping with life’s complexities, resilient people are the ones who believe that they are able to cope, and know that they can “soldier on” and find a solution, a “work-around”, or deal with failure or disappointment. When we help young people cultivate an approach to life that views obstacles as a critical part of success, we help them develop resilience.

When I speak to parents who are upset by or concerned about a decision the school has taken, often they say: “but she really wanted this one”. That isn’t a reason to be given it! Life is filled with disappointments, many of them seriously harder to bear than not getting selected as Class Captain, even if you really wanted that opportunity!

I remember one parent who was concerned that her daughter had missed out on a lead part in the play – there were only a handful places available and her daughter was not selected, and she was so upset. There were other more suitable girls who had been chosen through the audition process. The parent went on to describe the other opportunities that her daughter had missed out on that year. It was as though the parent felt that her daughter should be “given her turn”. I think we fall into the “everyone gets a prize” mentality from infant birthday parties. In pass-the-parcel, we make sure that every person at the party gets a prize. Why? Life isn’t like that!

I think, too, of conversations with parents of girls who have missed out on being elected Prefect. Sometimes the girl is absolutely devastated and the parents want to talk about it and sometimes express their anger and discontent. One parent said to me: “I don’t know what more she could have done for the school – she has always tried her hardest, she has contributed to this long list of school activities, she is always a good friend, her teachers say what a delight she is to teach....”. And of course that is all true.

Parents have all sorts of complaints about what happens in schools! The same people always get the prizes at the Speech Night. The Sports coaches selected wrongly when their daughter was not chosen for the top team. There should be enough places in each and every activity so that everyone who wants something can get it, so that their daughter is not upset. But, in my experience, such decisions are never based on personal likes or dislikes; on malicious intent or deliberate vindictive behaviour towards a girl; nor based on casual, uncaring or sloppy decisions.

Now in these examples above, I am not overly concerned about the fact that the girl was upset. It is reasonable for someone to be upset when they have really wanted something, particularly if they have really worked hard at it and done all they could! But I do worry about the parents of the girl, who wish to complain, to take away that hurt by “fixing things” and getting (by hook or by crook) whatever it was for their daughter.

In the best examples I see, a parent firstly just acknowledges the hurt and pain the girl is suffering. Over time, the parent might encourage the girl to approach the relevant teacher and ask about the decision – to make sure she understands any reasons behind decisions taken or processes applied. But the questions the parents encourage their daughter to ask are things like: “What can I do differently next time?”, or “What other options do I have to pursue my interest in this area?”, or “What can I learn from this experience?”.

The bottom line is that you usually don’t get all you want in life. You don’t get the job you wanted, or the promotion you applied for. But your ability to negotiate the workplace in a mature, thoughtful and developmental way will help you in the long-run, and those sorts of skills can be best practised from an early age at school.

Jenny Allum
Head of School



We have been putting great efforts into strengthening our support of parenting in this modern world and have been very happy with the positive responses from this In This Together section of the newsletter over the last year. This year, we are really pleased to launch SchoolTV via this week’s edition of Behind the Green Gate. SchoolTV is an online resource designed specifically for parents to inform and assist you in dealing with matters relating to young people today. This digital wellbeing platform offers a comprehensive starting place to answer many of the questions that you might face regarding the challenges of parenting and the challenges of growing up in today’s society.

180208 SchoolTVFeaturing one of Australia’s leading adolescent psychologists, Dr Michael Carr-Gregg as a main contributor, the resource also draws on the expertise of other leaders in youth wellbeing including Professor Ian Hickie (Brain & Mind Centre), Professor Pat McGorry (Orygen), Dr Elizabeth Scott (Headspace), Ms Susan McLean (Cyber Safety Solutions) and Ms Lesley Podesta (Alannah & Madeline Foundation), among others.

Over the year, we will roll out editions of SchoolTV featuring in depth exploration on a topic in question, such as Managing Year 12, Coping with Anxiety, Cybersafety and Healthy Body Image, to name just a few. SchoolTV aggregates relevant, fact-based content from leading specialists and organisations into a single, easy to understand stream. With each edition, Dr Michael Carr-Gregg introduces the topic in video format. Following this, there is a video quiz on the topic, video Q&A from leading specialists, fact-sheets, articles and a series of resources including suggested apps, books, websites, additional videos plus many other topic based resources.

Today we proudly launch the resource, including the first edition for 2018, School Transitions. We hope that this resource is widely accessed and a helpful go-to for many parents, as it will be for teachers. We would be very keen to know if you have any questions or concerns and would welcome any feedback about this resource. Please do not hesitate to be in touch with a staff member at SCEGGS directly – Form or Class teacher; Stage or Year Co-ordinator; school counsellor, or indeed any of us at SCEGGS! And please do contact me at any time if I can help – I am always happy to chat! There is also an email link accessible on the SchoolTV website to send feedback directly to us.

Please click here to make the most of, and enjoy, this excellent resource:

Sophie Kearns
Director of Pastoral Care, and The Pastoral Team



If you have a spare 20 minutes in the car or train, or wherever you listen to your podcasts, Ms Holly Gyton recommends this one, by a Stanford University Dean who is also a parent!

Jenny Allum
Head of School



Dear Parents

I have seen many changes in society in the 22 years I have been Head of SCEGGS. One of the biggest, most pervasive, has been the invention of the Smartphone. In the following article, Clinical Psychologist, Danielle Einstein, explores some of the consequences of our increasing dependence on a smartphone, and describes how this can lead to increased anxiety in adults and children. It gives some interesting context and background which I think will be helpful for all parents. You might learn something for yourself or your partner too!

Jenny Allum
Head of School



SCEGGS is a member of the Alliance of Girls Schools, a national organisation of girls’ schools. They do some great research themselves, and also promote interesting articles, ideas and references for parents.

The article below is from one of their recent magazines:

I thought it was a great synopsis of an excellent book.

I hope you find it interesting and informative!

Jenny Allum
Head of School



The Importance of Building Independence in Children
We all want children to experience safe, happy and carefree childhoods. But life isn’t always easy, and by helping children develop some independence they will be better prepared to cope with all the ups and downs they each will experience. While it is natural for parents to want to protect their children and do things for them, to make sure that all their experiences are positive, you can’t always be there! It is important that children learn that they can be responsible and that they can do things for themselves.

‘But she’s so young, and it’s better/easier/faster if I do it!’, I hear you say. While sometimes it can be trying for parents, if children never have to do anything for themselves they will always expect others to do it for them. Parents may think they are helping their child, but this can encourage children to develop a learned helplessness – particularly if it goes on after a child is capable of doing things for themselves.

Learning to be independent begins at home. Even the youngest child, a pre-schooler, can be given some responsibilities – putting their toys away or setting the table, for example. Progressively, as a child gets older, they can be given tasks with greater responsibility – tidying their rooms or caring for a pet are just some ideas.

Involving children in family decision making discussions is also an important step in developing independence, teaching them that they do have a voice, that their ideas are listened to. This can be as simple as discussions about what to buy grandma for her birthday, or planning weekend family activities. Through conversation and the sharing of ideas, in the security of a family environment, children learn that their ideas and opinions are valued.

From a young age children can also begin to learn that they can work out some things for themselves. When your child comes home with a problem, don’t try and solve it for them straight away; have a conversation, talk about options, ask them what they think they could do. Of course give them advice, but include their ideas too. Through these discussions they will gradually develop strategies to problem solve on their own.

Children are so precious, and childhood is so short. We know and understand the great heartache parents feel when they know their child is struggling, even in the slightest way. But giving children some responsibilities, teaching them to think for themselves and to try to solve their own problems, will hold them in very good stead now and in the years ahead. And you will always be there to guide and support them along the way.

Elizabeth Cumming
Head of Primary School



Sometimes you just have to laugh...

A humorous look at parenting...


Jenny Allum
Head of School



Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?

“Even when a seismic event - a war, a technological leap, a free concert in the mud - plays an outsize role in shaping a group of young people, no single factor ever defines a generation. Parenting styles continue to change, as do school curricula and culture, and these things matter. But the twin rise of the smartphone and social media has caused an earthquake of a magnitude we’ve not seen in a very long time, if ever. There is compelling evidence that the devices we’ve placed in young people’s hands are having profound effects on their lives - and making them seriously unhappy.”

I follow many educators on Twitter and there was a flurry of activity on the weekend with this particular article in the Atlantic doing the rounds. Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? - The Atlantic. It is written by Dr Jean M. Twenge, author of Generation Me and iGen, and Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University. It obviously had great resonance for many people, and I think it has great merit, both as a well-written piece and as a conversation starter in schools and homes.

Perhaps the particular appeal for teachers is that we have a wide perspective of societal and generational trends in behaviour and their effects, if any, over time. This article makes a challenging and mildly perturbing commentary on the impact that smartphones have had on young people. The data from our 2016 Wellbeing survey supports the claims that Dr Twenge makes about smartphones contributing directly to sleep disturbance. Already a topical area, we will undoubtedly learn more in coming years about the direct relationship between sleep and mental health. We hope this piece is a good stimulus for conversation – it has certainly given us more to think about and discuss at school.

Sophie Kearns
Director of Pastoral Care



I have had lots of great feedback about this new section of our Newsletter. In particular, I am getting lots of suggestions from parents of possible resources, articles and ideas which could be included. (This is something I am so appreciative of and very grateful for!)

So I pass on three good books others have recommended to me.

The first is Being 14 by Madonna King.
The blurb says:
Is your daughter 14? Are you struggling to know what's going on inside her head? Are you worried? This is the book that can help you understand how she's feeling, what she's thinking and what you need to do to help her navigate her tricky teens to become a fabulous woman...

The second is A Good Enough Parent, by Bruno Bettleheim.
The blurb says:
In this book, the pre-eminent child psychologist of our time gives us the results of his lifelong effort to determine what is most crucial in successful child-rearing. His purpose is not to give parents preset rules for raising their children, but rather to show them how to develop their own insights so that they will understand their own and their children's behavior in different situations and how to cope with it. Above all, he warns, parents must not indulge their impulse to try to create the child they would like to have, but should instead help each child fully develop into the person he or she would like to be.

The third is Untangled by Lisa Damour.
The person recommending this said: “What I liked most about this book was that it was so very practical, down-to-earth and really helped me (and my daughter!). It’s also one of what seems like a minority of books on teenagers that is really positive.”

I would welcome other ideas of books, articles or topics you would like one of us to write about!

Jenny Allum
Head of School



Wrestling with our (children’s) limitations
I recently read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and I was particularly struck by her brief chapter on defending our weaknesses, and that in doing so we get to keep them. It made me think of the conversations we have at school with students whose worries impose limitations on their own capacity, day in and day out, which can result in the girls underestimating their source of creativity, originality, and uniqueness. In these cases, the fear voice within takes the driver’s seat and becomes a dominant energy. We try to help young people recognise their deeper and more supportive source of wisdom, the more internal quieter voice that knows better and actually desires to burst forth and reveal itself fully.

And I hold that in contrast to the conversations we have with students or their parents who seem motivated by another fear – that of being imperfect. It can be quite painful watching young people become crippled by this destructive force, made worse if not all the sensible adults in the child’s life keep it in check and refuse to feed it. The ultimate irony of the excessive perfectionistic experience is that it is in itself a chink, a limitation.

One regular example of destructive perfectionistic thinking can be seen when it comes to perceptions of ‘being in trouble’. In the secondary school, our discipline system includes Penalty Points for minor misdemeanours and then Detentions either for an accrual of these Penalty Points or for something more significant. Most students readily accept a Penalty Point when they have breached a school expectation and recognise when it is justified. Sometimes a student reacts in a manner entirely disproportionate to the minor offence and penalty, fearing that it might impact her future and her potential results, awards or leadership possibilities. And sometimes this overreaction and misconception are supported by a parent.

A bit like the ultimate irony of the perfectionistic experience being unhelpful, so too is the overbearing defence of our children’s limitations, minor mistakes, and flaws. In these overly reactive circumstances, more is revealed of the child’s or parent’s fears and as educators we come to regret the lack of acceptance that sometimes we get things wrong. Coping with even the smallest failures and being able to put their consequences into perspective is the mark of a resilient child.

There are times when we need to draw on the courage to fight our self-imposed limitations, indeed. And there are times when we should accept them. I guess wisdom is knowing the difference.

Sophie Kearns
Director of Pastoral Care



As parents and teachers, we all want the best for our kids. Have a look at this great website from the Australian Government about Respect - to help stop violence against women. The website has some videos for parents and educators as well as some great resources. In particular, there is a good document to help parents have meaningful conversations with their children (girls and boys) about good relationships, based on mutual respect.

I really recommend this website. I encourage all of you, whatever age your daughter is, to look at the resources and think about how you are going to help your daughter in this particular aspect of their life. You want her to have rich experiences, healthy relationships and opportunities to shine. You want her to respect others and respect herself. You want her to be able to keep herself safe...

It is an excellent website.

Jenny Allum
Head of School



The 10 Parenting Principles

When Paul Dillon (national expert on alcohol and other drug education) addressed the Year 9 parents at SCEGGS in February this year, he referenced Dr Laurence Steinberg ( who is a Professor of Psychology at Temple University and expert on adolescence. He has written several books on adolescent development and a book for parents called The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting. In this book Dr Laurence Steinberg writes: “Most parents do a pretty good job of raising kids, but truly effective parenting means not just relying on natural instincts but also on knowing what works and why.” Retweeted by Dr Laurence Steinberg himself on 19/02/2017 (via We Are Play Lab), here is a summary of the principles!

1. What You Do Matters: regardless of our kids genetic heritage, what we do as parents or educators matters tremendously, because it is our influence that affects how those genes are expressed. Being a mindful parent, admitting and learning from our mistakes is extremely important as our kids learn best by watching us.
2. You Cannot Be Too Loving: let’s bust that myth right away, we cannot spoil a kid with too much love or expressing affection. One of the most important things we can do as parents is to respond to our kids’ emotional needs and provide a safe haven for them to explore and learn.
3. Be Involved in Your Child’s Life: sounds like the obvious thing to do but we all know how challenging it may be. Quality time is not about the what, it is about the how. Our kids will value what they believe we value so involving ourselves in their education and schooling is key. Our job is to help them establish good working habits and develop a sense of mastery and self-sufficiency.
4. Adapt Your Parenting to Fit Your Child: treating siblings differently totally makes sense as every child is truly different! The trick to best support our kids is to recognise when they are going through major developmental transitions (patience!) and accepting our changing role as parents as they grow up.
5. Establish Rules and Set Limits: structure makes our kids feel safe. Avoid turning disputes into a winner-loser scenario, instead figure out a way where both parties feel satisfied (be firm but fair). As parents, we basically have four options when settling a dispute: assert parental authority, give in, compromise or (our preferred option) solve the problem jointly. “Joint problem solving avoids having winners and losers, helps your child to feel more grown up, teaches something about the benefits of co-operation, and makes it less likely that the issue will come up again in the future, because when it works, it leads to a more lasting solution.”
6. Help Foster Your Child’s Independence: which does not equal disobedience but creating a sane psychological space. The fact that our kids are challenging us is a good sign. So if what they are trying to do is not dangerous, unhealthy, illegal or immoral, permit them to be autonomous.
7. Be Consistent: “The easiest way to help a child learn how to behave appropriately is to make her good behaviour a habit that she doesn’t even have to think about. You do this by being consistent from day to day in your parenting.”
8. Avoid Harsh Discipline: There is a “right” way to punish if necessary and it has to do with very clear steps: an identification of the specific act that was wrong, a statement describing the impact of the misbehaviour, a suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behaviour, a clear statement of what the punishment is going to be and a statement of your expectation that your child will do better the next time. And yes, physical punishment or being verbally abusive is a no-go at any given time and age.
9. Explain Your Rules and Decisions: hearing our kid’s point of view is as important as being clear about our expectations and admitting our mistakes. A good approach to reasoning with our kids, by age: kids under 6, the explanation needs to be reasonable; kids between 6 and 11, our explanation needs to be reasonable and logical, kids older than 11, our explanation needs to be reasonable, logical, and consistent with other things we have said and done.
10. Treat Your Child With Respect: there is nothing more important for the development of our kids than parents who love, guide and respect them. “Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others. If you treat your child with compassion, kindness, and respect, she will grow up to be a concerned, caring, and considerate person.”

Jenny Allum
Head of School



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